Red Sonja (1985) MGM/Fantasy-Action-Adventure RT: 89 minutes Rated PG-13 (some graphic violence, brief rape scene) Director: Richard Fleischer Screenplay: Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser Music: Ennio Morricone Cinematography: Giuseppe Rotunno Release date: July 3, 1985 (US) Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman, Paul L. Smith, Ernie Reyes Jr., Ronald Lacey, Pat Roach, Terry Richards, Janet Agren, Donna Osterbuhr, Lara Naszinsky, Tutte Lemkow. Box Office: $6.9M (US)
Rating: ** ½
Arnold Schwarzenegger receives top billing in Red Sonja playing a character named Kalidor, a warrior and stand-in for Conan understandably keeping a low profile after Conan the Destroyer destroyed the franchise. The actual star of Red Sonja is Brigitte Nielsen, a model making her acting debut as the title character in this super-cheesy slice of sword-and-sorcery silliness from uber-producer Dino DeLaurentiis of the Conan movies.
Like Conan, the character of Red Sonja was originally created by Robert E. Howard and set in the same universe as the more popular sword-slinging hero. Her origin isn’t too different. Her mission of revenge begins with the murder of her family by the evil sorceress Queen Gedren (Bergman, Conan the Barbarian). She’s a vicious bitch, this one. Not only does she have Sonja’s family butchered, she also allows her troops to rape the innocent girl. It’s in retaliation for Sonja rejecting Gedren’s sexual advances. Left for dead, a goddess named Scathach appears to Sonja after hearing her cry for vengeance and grants her powers- increased strength, stamina and agility- that will help her achieve her goal.
Year later, a group of priestesses is about to destroy a large, glowing, green orb they call “The Talisman”. It’s becoming too powerful for them to handle and must be destroyed before it ends the world. Before they can do it, Gedren and her forces attack their temple, kill everybody and take the Talisman. One priestess (Agren, City of the Living Dead) manages to escape, but is mortally wounded in the process. She asks Kalidor to find her sister Sonja so she can finish the job. You see, the Talisman can only be touched by women. If a man touches it, he’s history.
By now, Red Sonja (so named for her flaming red hair) is a swordmaster with an intense hatred of men. It makes sense, especially after what happened to her in her youth. Also, the powers gifted to her came with a condition. She is not to be with ANY man unless he can beat her in combat. ANYWAY, Kalidor brings her to her sister who dies shortly after telling her about Gedren. With her resolve further strengthened, Sonya sets off to find her mortal enemy and end her along with the magical orb. Although she refuses Kalidor’s offer to help (she doesn’t need any man’s help), he follows and jumps in as needed.
Along the way, Sonja picks up a couple of traveling companions, spoiled Prince Tarn (Reyes, The Last Dragon) and his faithful servant Falkon (Smith, Dune), in a city destroyed by Gedren. The prince is a royal pain in the ass. He’s a rude little brat who treats everybody with disrespect, even kindly Falkon who would die in his place if necessary. What this kid needs is a woman’s touch…. right across his backside. He almost gets it too. Meanwhile, Kalidor keeps showing up at just the right moments. It turns out he has a personal stake in the destruction of the Talisman too.
I won’t lie or mince words, Red Sonja is a bad movie. It looks cheap. Its low budget shows in every frame. The effects are beyond cheesy. The destruction of kingdoms always occur off-camera; all we get to see is the aftermath. It relies heavily on miniatures and matte shots. The scene where the actors fight a mechanical water monster is unintentionally hilarious. The cinematography by Giuseppe Rotunno reminds one of the cheap, Italian-made sword-and-sandal epics of the 60s featuring the likes of Steve Reeves.
The acting in Red Sonja is horrendous. It makes you question how Nielsen continued to work in film after her monstrously bad performance in the lead role. Oh wait, I do know. She was involved with Sylvester Stallone with whom she subsequently co-starred in Rocky IV and Cobra. I’m sure he had a hand in keeping her employed during the short duration of their marriage. Her performance level did not increase along with her resume. She looks HOT in Red Sonja, no question about it, but her acting ability leaves a lot to be desired.
Bergman camps it up mightily as the Sapphic sovereign who wears a mask to cover the ugly scar given to her by Sonja back in the days. The lesbian overtones in this movie aren’t what you’d call subtle. They couldn’t be any clearer if they came accompanied by big flashing neon letters. Schwarzenegger plays his role with a combination of stoicism and bemusement. Reyes is all but insufferable as the brattiest kid this side of David Mendenhall’s character in Over the Top. Smith is surprisingly good as the faithful servant who withstands the verbal slings and arrows fired by the prepubescent prince. Ronald Lacey (Raiders of the Lost Ark) hams it up as Gedren’s right-hand man.
Some of the dialogue in Red Sonja must be heard to be believed. Even then, it’s still hard to believe the characters are actually speaking these lines with straight faces. When faced with the power of the Talisman, Bergman exclaims, “So it is true, only women may touch it.” Or how about this pick-up line from Kalidor: “If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepare to be conquered.” Ah, the words every prehistoric chick longs to hear. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Red Sonja is a comedy.
Who, other than Sir Dino, is responsible for this hunk of cinematic junk? The director is Richard Fleischer whose filmography also includes The Jazz Singer, Amityville 3D and Conan the Destroyer. Wait a minute, Dino invited him back after he screwed up on the last Conan movie? Who knew the film tycoon was so forgiving? Then again, this is the same guy that insisted “when the monkey die, people gonna cry” in an interview for his King Kong remake in ’76. It’s written by Clive Exton (the 1980 mummy movie The Awakening) and George MacDonald Fraser (1973’s The Three Musketeers). Together, they concoct a sword-and-sorcery movie of supreme silliness.
In the film’s defense, Ennio Morricone (the Man with No Name trilogy) provides a wonderful score and the sword work is quite good. The actors were trained by sword master Kiyoshi Yamasaki who worked on both Conan flicks. What can I say? I love a good sword fight, especially ones where heads fly and blood flows freely from gaping wounds. There’s some of the red sticky stuff in Red Sonja, but its PG-13 rating keeps it on the conservative side.
One of the funniest things in Red Sonja is found in the opening titles which state that this movie is the beginning of her adventures. How very presumptuous of the makers. Did they really believe this junker would jump-start a new franchise? Now that’s what I call chutzpah!
Here’s the deal. Red Sonja is fun in the way a good bad movie without the MST3K or RiffTrax treatment is fun. It’s never more laughable than when it tries to take itself seriously. It’s easily one of the stupidest S&S movies I’ve ever seen including 1982’s Sorceress. It’s not enough to shut off your brain while watching it; you have to forget the concept of human intelligence altogether.
