Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994) Warner Bros./Comedy RT: 83 minutes Rated PG (language, comic violence) Director: Alan Metter Screenplay: Randolph Davis and Michele S. Chodos Music: Robert Folk Cinematography: Ian Jones Release date: August 26, 1994 (US) Cast: George Gaynes, Michael Winslow, David Graf, Leslie Easterbrook, G.W. Bailey, Charlie Schlatter, Claire Forlani, Ron Perlman, Christopher Lee, Gregg Berger, Richard Israel, Vladimir Dolinskiy. Box Office: $126,247 (US)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
As if US-Russia relations weren’t tenuous enough in the early 90s, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow could have potentially ended detente altogether.
I’m guessing that producer Paul Maslansky figured five years was long enough for audiences to forget about the last movie. He hoped audiences would turn outto check out the seventh chapter of the saga that began in ’84 with a hilarious R-rated comedy. Instead, it was barely released to theaters at the end of August ‘94. It didn’t even open in Philadelphia; I had to wait until the video release to witness this cinematic felony.
You know it’s bad when Bubba Smith (Hightower) declines to reprise his role as does Marion Ramsey (Hooks) and Lance Kinsey (Proctor). So who accepts this assignment? It’s a skeleton crew consisting of only Cmndt. Lassard (Gaynes), Jones (Winslow), Tackleberry (Graf), Callahan (Easterbrook) and Harris (Bailey). Joining them on their Mission to Moscow is acrophobic cadet Kyle Connors (Schlatter, 18 Again), a computer whiz that fudges his way into the assignment alongside the veteran cops. The fact that officials actually allowed the makers to film Mission to Moscow in Russia is nothing short of astonishing. What would Leon Trotsky have to say about that?
This time, the cops are out to bust Russian gangster Konstantin Konali (Perlman, The Name of the Rose), the man behind an extremely successful and highly addictive video game that allows him access to any computerized security system in the world. He orders a young programmer (Israel) to create a sequel to “The Game” (it features a bear wearing a shapka). This new version will enable Konali to break into computers belonging to world powers. In other words, he’s out for world domination. What he didn’t count on was Russian Cmndt. Rakov (Hammer actor Lee) calling on Lassard and his team (such as it is) for assistance.
As usual, Harris tries to take the lead and call all the shots only to emerge looking like a giant horse’s ass. It seems like he’s perfectly capable of doing that without Proctor’s help. How about that? Also looking to sabotage the Americans is Lt. Talinsky (Berger, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes) who still hasn’t gotten on board with détente. Since none of them speak Russian, they’re assigned a translator, the comely Katrina (Forlani, Mallrats). She hasn’t had a vacation in three years and doesn’t want this assignment, but Connors is determined to keep her on because he likes her. And what is Lassard doing? Not much seeing as how he got lost shortly after their arrival. He ends up staying with an understandably confused Russian family in their small apartment. I’m sorry, didn’t we see a similar gag in European Vacation? It was funnier the first time.
Director Alan Metter (Back to School) turns Mission to Moscow into a traveler’s guide of sorts as he latches onto any and all opportunities to show audiences the sights and highlights of Russia. We get to see Red Square, Gorky Park, the Bolshoi Ballet, the Chernievsky Group (Russian acrobats) and the State Duma. If I wanted a tour, I’d have sprung for a vacation. However, this is the only thing about Mission to Moscow that’s even remotely interesting. It is, without a single doubt, the worst entry in the series. Not only that, it’s one of the worst comedies ever made. Even the director disowned it. It’s one of the laziest movies I’ve ever seen. The cast appears bored to the point of being comatose. Tackleberry doesn’t even get to engage in his usual reckless, borderline psychopathic behavior. The worst thing that happens to Harris is that he gets a face full of rotten borscht while conducting a surveillance operation in the sewers.
With Mission to Moscow, the viewer gets a face full of something else that’s commonly found in sewers. I don’t know how many theaters actually showed this movie, but the fact that it didn’t break the $1 million mark implies that it was less than a handful. What I’d really like to know is why an actor of Lee’s stature would agree to appear in such a crappy movie. I could ask the same about Perlman.
Mission to Moscow is unfunny to an extreme degree. It’s excruciating to watch, even at a sparse 83 minutes. It doesn’t even open with Toronto’s nighttime skyline like the other six movies. The theme music is the same, but doesn’t have the same effect it once did without the usual background scenery. I hate Mission to Moscow with every fiber of my being. I’ve heard rumors of a reboot of the franchise and I really hope they’re not true. As much of a fan I am of the first few movies, I think the Police Academy series is best left to rest. If City Under Siege seriously wounded it, Mission to Moscow delivers the killing blow. This movie is utterly worthless. Watching it is like visiting a place where you used to work. It’s familiar, but you just don’t belong there anymore. Sometimes it’s best not to go home again. Mission to Moscow proves that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
