The Crow (2024) Lionsgate/Horror-Action RT: 111 minutes Rated R (strong bloody violence, gore, language, sexuality/nudity, drug use) Director: Rupert Sanders Screenplay: Zach Baylin and William Schneider Music: Volker Bertelmann Cinematography: Steve Annis Release date: August 23, 2024 (US) Cast: Bill Skarsgard, FKA Twigs, Danny Huston, Josette Simon, Laura Birn, Sami Bouajila, Karel Dobry, Jordan Bolger, Sebastian Orozco, David Bowles, Tundy Smith, Samba Goldin, Isabella Wei, Jordan Haj, Darija Pavlovicova.
Rating: *
A thought occurred to me tonight as I endured the remake of The Crow. Remakes are a no-win situation. People will either complain it’s too much like the original or too different from the original. There’s no pleasing anybody with a remake of a popular movie so why even bother? Somebody said the makers of The Crow wanted to update it so it would relatable to today’s audiences. Young people just wouldn’t get the 1994 original. I say BS! It’s just another pitiful attempt to sell inferior product to gullible Gen-Z audiences who actively avoid films made before 1999.
In case you couldn’t tell, I love the original version of The Crow. It’s a perfect blend of Gothic horror, revenge tale and love story. Based on the comic book series by James O’Barr, it’s probably most famous for the tragedy that occurred on-set, the accidental killing of star Brandon Lee. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was some talk about cancelling the film altogether, but the makers decided to finish it to honor the deceased lead. I’m glad they followed through on it, it’s absolutely brilliant. That’s the Crow audiences should watch. Not any of the lame sequels and definitely not this lousy remake/reboot/re-whatever.
The basic premise is the same. After the hero and his girlfriend are murdered, he comes back from the dead to avenge her. All similarities to the OG end there. In the new version, Eric Draven (Skarsgard, It) is a troubled young man who meets the love of his life Shelley (avant-pop singer FKA Twigs) in a drug rehabilitation facility. Some bad people are after her because her friend sent her a video containing something that crime lord Vincent Roeg (Huston, Angel Has Fallen) doesn’t want the world to see. When some of his people show up at the facility, Eric helps Shelley escape. She tells him it’s dangerous to stay with her, but he sticks around anyway. True love knows no fear.
Their happiness is short-lived unfortunately. Roeg’s goons, led by right-hand woman Marian (Birn, A Walk Among the Tombstones), find them and kill them both or so they think. Shelley descends into darkness while Eric finds himself in some weird limbo-like place where a spirit guide (Bouajila, Days of Glory) tells him he must go back and kill all the killers if he wants to save Shelley from eternal damnation. So that’s what he does, but he takes his own sweet time doing it.
Directed by Rupert Sanders (Snow White and the Huntsman), The Crow moves at a snail’s pace. It spends the first 45 minutes on Eric and Shelley falling in love and doing the things young people in love do. I kept waiting for Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” to start playing. Then they get killed. Now you would think that The Crow would finally kick into gear once Eric returns from the dead. NOPE! It still moves slowly as Eric tries to piece together why somebody wanted Shelley dead.
Meanwhile, Roeg becomes aware of Eric’s return and orders his people to bring him back “alive”. He wants his power. You see, Roeg isn’t your ordinary crime boss. He’s something supernatural; what, I have no idea. It’s never explained. All we’re shown is that Roeg can take control of people’s minds and make them do bad stuff. That’s not the only thing that goes unexplained. I would have liked to know more about Eric’s past aside from his neglectful drunken mother. Why is he in a drug rehab center that’s run like a prison (yet disturbingly easy to escape from)? Why is he such a wimp? His character gets zero development.
The screenplay by Zach Baylin and William Schneider has so many deficiencies like the attractive young pianist (Pavlovicova) who Roeg takes an interest in. They seem to be going somewhere with this plot thread, but it gets dropped and she’s forgotten. This has to be one of the most half-assed scripts I’ve ever seen committed to film.
Before I continue to bash The Crow, a treatment it richly deserves, it would be unfair of me not to mention the one good part. Eric decides to attend an opera, but not to see the show. He’s there to finish off the remaining members of Roeg’s crew. It’s a total bloodbath as he uses a sword to slice, dice and skewer his way through more than a dozen bodyguards before confronting a cowering Marian. It’s a cool scene despite the gore being CGI. The problem is we have to wait about 90 minutes for it. When he’s done there, the movie goes back into sleep mode for the unthrilling climactic showdown between Eric and Roeg.
I don’t what’s worse in The Crow, the acting or the characters. They’re both pretty bad, but I’m going to have to give the win to the latter. The original has a memorable set of characters, especially the bad guys. Who doesn’t remember Top Dollar, Myca, T-Bird and Grange? It’s been just over 12 hours since I saw the new one and I couldn’t name a single villain from memory. It helps immensely that the OG baddies are played by greats like Michael Wincott, Bai Ling, David Patrick Kelly and Tony Todd. I’d have to consult IMDb to tell you who played the villains in the new movie. Not that any one of them stands out at all. They don’t, not a single one of them.
The acting is simply terrible. I usually like Skarsgard. He was awesome as Pennywise the Clown in the It movies. Anybody who can give Tim Curry a run for his money is okay in my book. Sadly, he doesn’t repeat the same feat in The Crow. He’s nowhere close to being in the same league as Brandon Lee. They’re not even in the same galaxy. The word I’d use to describe his performance is “inert”. He’s as lifeless as they come in an iconic role. You can hear it in every line reading. Worst of all, he has no chemistry with FKA Twigs. It looks and feels forced. She’s not much better than her co-star in the role of doomed girlfriend. Huston basically just wears the suit as the main villain, a forgettable sort who never projects a sense of menace.
Another defining aspect of the original is the emotional content. It’s palpable. You can feel the love Eric has for Shelley. You can the depth of the hurt being felt by Sarah, the young girl they took care of and now has nobody but her drug addict mom. There’s none of that in The Crow. It’s completely devoid of feeling. The director fails to make the viewer feel anything for the young lovers. It’s one of the film’s biggest failings.
The look of The Crow is amazingly generic. The original has a dark, grungy 90s aesthetic that still looks impressive. This new one looks like any other movie. The soundtrack is a letdown too. I couldn’t name a single song from it, but the friend I saw it with picked out a David Bowie song from his final album. Either way, I don’t think it’s going to be a hot seller just like I don’t think the film will be a hot ticket at the box office. The turnout for last night’s show was pathetic and it’s only going to get worse once word gets out that the movie sucks. The makers should be forced to apologize to O’Barr, Alex Proyas (director of the OG) and the estate of Brandon Lee for doing what they did to the property. It’s not a tribute, it’s an insult.
