Ghosts Can’t Do It (1990) Triumph Releasing/Comedy-Fantasy RT: 93 minutes Rated R (language, brief violence, full frontal nudity, sexual content) Director: John Derek Screenplay: John Derek Music: Junior Homrich and Randall Tico Cinematography: John Derek Release date: June 1, 1990 (US) Cast: Bo Derek, Anthony Quinn, Don Murray, Julie Newmar, Victoria Burgoyne, Leo Damian, Jane Damian, Donald Trump. Box Office: N/A
Rating: NO STARS!!!
Ghosts Can’t Do It is billed as a comedy-fantasy, but it ceases to be funny when one realizes that it’s a glimpse inside the strange marriage of John and Bo Derek. At that point, it becomes creepy and disturbing.
But that’s hardly the only thing wrong with Ghosts Can’t Do It, the absolute worst of the Dereks’ three cinematic collaborations; Tarzan the Ape Man and Bolero being the other two. To say it’s bottom of the barrel would be a gross misstatement. For this one, the bottom has fallen out altogether giving way to a bottomless abyss. This one is so bad that it makes Bolero look like an artistic triumph. At least that one was funny albeit unintentionally so. This one is absolutely unwatchable. No, I take that back. Lovers of bad movies will love this one, but you know what they say about one man’s treasure.
There’s no need to speculate how Ghosts Can’t Do It even got made and released. We’re talking about John Derek here. When you’re rich, powerful and crazy enough, competence doesn’t really factor into the equation. I’ll give the man credit in one area; he knows how to photograph his wife. Bo looks amazing as always, BUT she’s as incompetent in front of the camera as he is behind it. As usual, she wears a blank expression (with or without clothes) which perfectly augments her flat line readings.
Kate O’Dare (Derek) is married to a man thirty years her senior that she refers to as “Great One”. Tell me that’s not art imitating life! The Great One aka Scott is played by two-time Academy Award winner Anthony Quinn (Zorba the Greek) and he must have been desperate to agree to appear in this dud. His character dies about 15 minutes into the story, but just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he’s out of the woods. Oh no, he keeps appearing to his young widow in ghostly form.
You see, Great One isn’t all that invincible after all. He has heart problems which means he can’t have sex with his hot young wife (hence the “Do It” part of the title). He’s also too old to be a viable candidate for a heart transplant even though he’s worth $2 billion. I guess money can’t buy everything after all. In the movie’s only hint of intelligence, Great One takes a page from Ernest Hemingway’s bio and blows his brains out.
Now that you’re up to speed, let’s get to the main plot. Great One isn’t ready to leave this mortal coil yet (I wouldn’t be either with a wife as hot as Bo!), so he makes a rather odd request. He wants his wife to find a suitable body for him to possess. All she needs to do is kill him first, then he’ll jump right in. That way, he can “do it” with his wife again. The body in question belongs to a gorgeous himbo named Fausto (Leo Damian, the Italian version of Christopher Atkins). Kate doesn’t like the guy and spends the rest of the movie contemplating her late hubby’s morbid request. And we spend the rest of the movie waiting for it to be over.
In the midst of all this paranormal nonsense, there’s some business about Great One’s business. He owns a major corporation and some raiders want to break it up. So Kate high-tails it to Hong Kong with Winston (Murray, Peggy Sue Got Married), the best friend and business associate of Great One, for a meeting with the raiders. One of them is Donald Trump himself! What he’s doing here is anybody’s guess. It’s not like he needs the paycheck. It turns out somebody wants her not to make some important meeting and sends a goon to force her to take a couple of pills. Whatever.
I don’t know what kind of budget John had, but the special effects are lousy. The ghost of the Great One NEVER appears in the same scene as Bo. When she talks to him, she directs her words off to the side. Quinn appears as though he’s being reflected through a puddle of water. The picture shimmies a bit as he speaks to her. Of course, Bo is the only one that can see and hear her dead hubby. Sometimes, an “Angel of Death” (Newmar, Batman) shows up to try and talk some sense into Great One. She informs him that he has one foot in Hell and will spend Eternity there if he goes through with his plan. In her words, “There’s no way out of eternity. You’re stuck with it.”
All of the dialogue in Ghosts Can’t Do It is equally ludicrous. John wrote some real howlers, but the topper has to be when Bo tells Fausto “My dead husband wants to possess your body.” For most guys, that would be a deal breaker. It’s a good thing for Kate that this guy is a complete moron. He’s also a rotten actor that I’m certain studied the techniques of Atkins before stepping in front of the camera.
About the only nice thing I can say about Ghosts Can’t Do It is that Bo looks great naked. In one scene, she dances for a few bar patrons in a number obviously inspired by Jennifer Beals’ “wet dance” from Flashdance. The only one not enjoying it is a pastor who angrily shuts off the music and demands that Bo repent for her sinful body movements. Damn spoilsport!
What else can I say about Ghosts Can’t Do It? All of the acting is terrible. In fact, it’s embarrassment to all except Bo who apparently has no shame. She has absolutely no qualms about displaying her utter lack of talent although to be fair, I think her Svengali of a husband had a lot to do with it.
In terms of narrative, the movie is a mess. It’s hard to say exactly what John was going for. Thankfully, this is the last picture he ever directed (he died in ’98). Bo still shows up occasionally in movies (Tommy Boy, Malibu’s Most Wanted) or on TV (the short-lived TV series Fashion House). The good thing is that anything she’s done since her association with John or will do in the future is infinitely better than this stink bomb.
I didn’t see Ghosts Can’t Do It at the movies. It played at a single theater in Philadelphia for one week and I decided not to make the effort. I rented it when it came out on video that fall and thought it was horrible. For the purposes of Movie Guy 24/7, I decided to revisit it. It was difficult to get my hands on a copy (the DVD costs $50 on Amazon, no thanks!), but thankfully a friend had one she let me watch. I guess it’s fair to say that it held up all these years because it’s every bit as bad as I remember. In fact, it might even be worse. If you like bad movies and still haven’t seen Ghosts Can’t Do It, what are you waiting for? All others need not apply.
