Eaten Alive (1976) Virgo International Pictures/Horror RT: 91 minutes Rated R (language, graphic violence, terror, brief nudity and sexual content) Director: Tobe Hooper Screenplay: Kim Henkel, Alvin L. Fast and Mardi Rustam Music: Wayne Bell and Tobe Hooper Cinematography: Robert Caramico Release date: May 1977 (US) Starring: Neville Brand, Mel Ferrer, Carolyn Jones, Marilyn Burns, William Finley, Stuart Whitman, Roberta Collins, Kyle Richards, Robert Englund, Crystin Sinclaire, Janus Blythe, Betty Cole. Box Office: N/A
Rating: NO STARS!!!
YUCK! Even among stinkers, Eaten Alive is really bad! It fails on virtually every level and leaves the viewer questioning director Tobe Hooper’s talent. This is the man who gave us horror gems like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Poltergeist (1982). Personally, I also liked The Funhouse (1981) and Lifeforce (1985). What the hell happened here? This movie is bloody awful! It’s an unwatchable mess that gives other unwatchable messes a bad name.
I have no problem with low budget movies. I don’t even have a problem with low budget movies that look like low budget movies. I have a problem with low budget movies that no respectable grindhouse would exhibit even as the bottom feature of a triple bill. Calling Eaten Alive a hack job would be an insult to hack filmmakers around the world. I only paid about $2 for the 2-disc Special Edition DVD and I still feel as though I was overcharged. I remember this movie played in the Philadelphia area in early 1984 (March or April, I think). I didn’t get to see it until years later when I picked up a VHS copy at a store close-out sale (man, I loved those!). It was terrible then and it’s terrible now. Eaten Alive isn’t even entertaining on a campy level. It’s so jaw-droppingly bad it makes The Mangler (another Tobe Hooper flick) look like a horror classic by comparison. If that’s not an indication of how bad this movie is, I don’t know what is.
Right off the bat, Eaten Alive appears to be a low-rent Psycho rip-off. It’s set at a rundown backwoods hotel (the Starlight Hotel) run by a creepy weirdo. His name is Judd (Brand, Without Warning) and he has a habit of feeding his guests to his pet crocodile. Here’s my question, why would anybody stay in a hotel with a swamp on the premises? It’s hardly a substitute for a swimming pool, right?
As the movie opens, a recently fired whore from the brothel down the road comes looking for a place to stay. When Judd realizes who she is, he goes off on a psychotic rant and attacks her. He stabs her with a pitchfork and feeds her to the crocodile. Next, a bickering couple and their young daughter arrive at the hotel. While Roy (Finley, Phantom of the Paradise) and Faye (Burns, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) go at it, the family dog gets too close to the murderous reptile and ends up being its next meal. Naturally, this traumatizes the little girl whose name is Angie (Richards, The Watcher in the Woods).
After that, Harvey (Ferrer, The Visitor) and his daughter Libby (Sinclaire, Caged Heat) show up asking questions about his missing daughter. Big surprise, it’s the whore from the movie’s opening scenes. When Judd refuses to answer their questions, Libby goes to the town sheriff (Whitman, Crazy Mama) for help. He takes her to the brothel to talk to the madam (Jones, The Addams Family) who denies ever knowing her. Meanwhile, Roy gets it into his head to shoot the crocodile himself and ends up between the creature’s powerful jaws. Faye decides to take a bath and Judd walks in on her as she’s getting undressed. He beats her and ties her up in the bedroom. A frightened Angie runs and hides underneath the hotel (smart move, kid!). Naturally, she gets trapped there and you know it’s only a matter of time before Judd releases the crocodile. A local troublemaker Buck (Englund, the Freddy Krueger movies) also shows up at the hotel and gets pushed into the swamp. Chomp, chomp, chomp …… bye bye Buck! Do I really need to continue? It’s not like I might drop any major plot spoilers; we all know where it’s heading and I doubt anybody really cares anyway.
The real dilemma concerning Eaten Alive is figuring out where to begin when listing everything that’s wrong with it. For one thing, the lighting is so poor that it’s difficult to discern what’s going on at times. Was this intentional? Did somebody think it would increase the movie’s creepiness factor? If so, that person needs a serious refresher course in Basic Filmmaking 101. Then there’s the acting. Holy crap! I’ve seen some bad acting before, but the performances in Eaten Alive really take the cake. Brand overacts so badly as the mentally disturbed Judd that the viewer is more prone to fits of laughter than shivers down the spine. It’s so bad that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre clan would disown him for being a complete embarrassment to the family name.
I don’t understand Roy’s character at all. Is he also supposed to be mentally disturbed? That would certainly explain his meltdown in the hotel room. The lack of a story line makes me wonder if the crocodile ate part of the script when nobody was looking. I’ve heard of the dog eating a kid’s homework, but this is ridiculous. I didn’t even find the violence interesting, not even when Judd starts going after potential victims with a scythe.
I’ll say this in the movie’s favor; at least it’s not boring. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the filmmakers find a way to up that ante. Don’t take that as any sort of recommendation; Eaten Alive is still an unwatchable piece of crap. By the time the final credits roll, you’ll be wondering why you even bothered watching it in the first place. If only Crocodile Dundee had come in and saved the day. Where is he when you need him? I’m sorry not sorry, but I have to say it. Eaten Alive really bites!
