Night Patrol (1984)    New World/Comedy    RT: 85 minutes    Rated R (language, crude humor, drugs, nudity, sex, comic violence)    Director: Jackie Kong    Screenplay: Murray Langston, Bill Levey, Bill Osco and Jackie Kong    Music: Michael Hoenig    Cinematography: Hanania Baer and Juerg Walthers    Release date: January 18, 1985 (Philadelphia, PA)    Cast: Linda Blair, Pat Paulsen, Jaye P. Morgan, Jack Riley, Billy Barty, Murray Langston/The Unknown Comic, Pat Morita, Sydney Lassick, Lori Hutton, Kent Perkins, Andrew Dice Clay.    Box Office: N/A

Rating: ***

 I vaguely recall reading a newspaper article circa late 1984 about audience members walking out en masse during a showing of Night Patrol, an extremely low-rent knock-off of Police Academy. It didn’t stop me from going to see it when it made its way to my neck of the woods in January ’85. If anything, it made me want to see it more. I had a funny feeling I’d enjoy it as I bought my ticket that cold, gray Sunday afternoon. It bore the New World Pictures logo. To me, it’s a symbol tantamount to a seal of approval. Once again, my instincts didn’t fail me. I laughed my ass off for 85 minutes.

 Since I don’t believe in slinging BS, let’s talk frankly about Night Patrol. It’s cheap, vulgar and lowbrow. It’s corny, unrefined and moronic. Its humor is aimed at horny, low-IQ 13YOs. This is a comedy that revels in its crudity and coarseness with tasteless jokes about sex, boobs, farting, dog poop, dog piss, bodily fluids, genitalia and homosexuality (both genders). Because it predates the PC Nazi regime, we also get offensive jokes about blacks, Asians, gays and lesbians. The characters are a collection of perverts, degenerates, half-wits and dimwits. It’s poorly made. It doesn’t contain a single shred of artistic integrity. Some of it, like the opening spoken partially in badly-dubbed mock French, defies explanation. In short, Night Patrol is stupid. At the same time, it’s a laugh riot!

 The plot, such as it is, concerns a couple of LAPD beat cops working night patrol. Recently transferred Melvin White (Langston aka The Unknown Comic) is teamed with veteran officer Kent Lane (one-time Presidential candidate Paulsen) by Captain Lewis (Barty, Under the Rainbow), an extremely flatulent, ill-tempered, vertically challenged pathological liar. Their main assignment is to apprehend an armed robber who wears a paper bag over his head like a certain comic (The Unknown Comic as himself) performing in area clubs. Of course, it’s Melvin. He’s secretly moonlighting as The Unknown Comic. Naturally, suspicion falls on him. He has to find a way to prove his innocence without revealing his secret identity.

 Melvin, for all his alter-ego’s comic brilliance, is a dimwit. He has no idea that sweet, sexy dispatcher Sue Perman (Blair, The Exorcist) is in love with him even though (in one scene) it’s literally written all over her face. He thinks of her as a buddy. He’s in love with Edith Hutton (Sutton, Malibu Express), a glamorous gold digger only after the money The Unknown Comic will make as a famous comedian.

 Quite a few famous faces pop up throughout Night Patrol. Gong Show regular Jaye P. Morgan plays Melvin/Unknown Comic’s new manager Kate. She gets him a major gig in Las Vegas…. at a doughnut shop. Jack Riley (The Bob Newhart Show) shows up as Unknown Comic’s psychiatrist, a rather inept fellow who specializes in nonsensical advice and bad puns. Upon hearing of Kate and Edith, he dryly comments, “I predict you’ll have your Kate and Edith too.” It’s just one of many groaners in Night Patrol. In addition, it features brief appearances by Pat Morita (The Karate Kid) as a rape victim with a dubbed female voice and Sydney Lassick (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) as a portly Peeping Tom. See, I told you it’s a stupid movie. Oh, I almost forgot. It also features an early performance by “Andy Clay” who went on to become comedian Andrew Dice Clay.

 To give you an idea of the level of humor in Night Patrol, let’s look at a few early moments. I already made mention of the first scene. It shows Melvin trying to pull over a guy driving erratically only to crash his motorcycle into the rear of the car and end up in a tree. The driver, the speaker of mock French, is an escaped lunatic in a straight jacket. How he manages to drive in a straight jacket, I don’t know. Everything this man says to Melvin is weird and perverted- e.g. “Will you poke me with your pencil?” and “Lick my trunk.” We know exactly what he says courtesy of English subtitles. Not only does Melvin not understand, he’s completely oblivious to the dead male rape victim’s arm hanging out of the trunk. He’s more concerned with telling the freak he needs to get it fixed so it will close properly. That’s just for openers. Later, he tries to bust up a cockfight in an alley. The only thing is that there are no chickens in the alley. Guess what they’re fighting with instead. Yep, you got it. Next, he spots a woman waiting in line outside a sperm bank. When he tells her she’s in the wrong line, she gargles “Get lost!” Alright, I’ll give you just one more. Kent tells his new partner he f***ed a female officer’s brains out the night before. Then we see said female officer twitching and flailing her way through the precinct.

 Directed and co-written by Jackie Kong (The Being), Night Patrol is a comedy you laugh at for all the wrong reasons. It should have been shown in middle school locker rooms instead of cinemas. When it’s not dirty, it’s gross. The diner scene wins the top prize in this area. It’s run by a fat slob who soaks his infected thumb in Melvin’s order, the Soup of the Day, Cream of Washroom. The joint is infested with fake roaches that look like the old Creepy Crawlers toys from the 70s. Gordon Ramsay would have a field day with an eatery this filthy.

 When Night Patrol isn’t dirty or gross, it’s offensive. The lesbians at one of the bars robbed by the Unknown Robber are depicted as violent man-haters with deep voices. Surprisingly, that’s NOT the most offensive thing in Night Patrol. Nor is the scene featuring Bill Kirchenbauer (pre-Just the Ten of Us) as an angry Japanese businessman shooting it out with police over his inability to find a decent sushi restaurant. In what can only be described as a reverse Godzilla, his dialogue is in badly dubbed Japanese (with English subs). It comes close, but nothing in Night Patrol is as offensive as the scene where Melvin and Kent go undercover at a black bar…. IN BLACKFACE! They speak jive and blast a big radio to the horror of the upscale patrons. I thought this sort of humor fell out of fashion with the demise of Amos and Andy. Not even Mel Brooks would have the nerve to do this. But as I said, you laugh at Night Patrol for all the wrong reasons and I can’t think of anything more wrong than a minstrel show.

 I like the cast of Night Patrol very much. I always enjoyed seeing The Unknown Comic on The Gong Show, but I never knew he told such dirty jokes off the TV screen. I laughed at most of the jokes he tells on stage in Night Patrol. Linda Blair as Sue Perman (get it, huh, do ya, do ya?) is HOT! It’s cool how she lightens up and joins in the silliness with her co-stars. Farty…. I mean, Barty is funny as Capt. Lewis. Paulsen has his moments as a cop with sex on the brain all the time. I think this is the only time I’ve seen Morgan in something besides The Gong Show. She’s funny too.

 Let’s go over a few more points. The theme song “LAPD” is catchy. I could still hear it playing in my head days after seeing the movie. There’s an out-of-nowhere musical number at the end that appears to be performed by rejects from Fame. The final showdown between Melvin (still in blackface) and The Unknown Robber is clearly a nod to Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti westerns. That’s when the audience participation portion of Night Patrol kicks in. Title cards pop up encouraging audience members to shout out answers to questions like “Who’s under the bag?” and “Should he finish his act or take Sue to bed?” Yes, I went along with it when I saw it at the movies. Did you expect anything less from Movie Teen 24/7? I sure hope not.

 I should probably have my head examined, but I still like Night Patrol after all these years. It’s the farthest thing from quality cinema since Ed Wood’s Orgy of the Dead. It makes ANY given Police Academy movie look like Masterpiece Theater. It gives bad taste a bad name. It’s a low-quality movie, but it makes me laugh every time I watch it. I can’t help myself; it’s just so damn silly and stupid. It doesn’t try to hide it either; it wears these distinctions with pride. You have to be completely warped in the head to appreciate Night Patrol. I, for one, will cop to being just that. Cop, get it? Oh no, it’s catching!