Beyond the Door (1974)    FVI/Horror    RT: 109 minutes    Rated R (scary scenes, frightening images, language, nudity)    Director: Ovidio G. Assonitis (as “Oliver Hellman”)    Screenplay: Richard Barrett (as “R. Barrett”)    Music: Franco Micalizzi    Cinematography: Roberto Piazzoli    Release date: July 31, 1975 (US)    Cast: Juliet Mills, Gabriele Lavia, Richard Johnson, Nino Segurini, Elizabeth Turner, Barbara Fiorini, David Colin Jr., Vittorio Fanfoni, Luigi Marturano.    Box Office: $15M (US)

Rating: * ½

 The horror film Beyond the Door is an Exorcist rip-off from Italy, everybody knows that. It also borrows ideas from Rosemary’s Baby but nobody talks about that, go figure. Either way, Warner Bros. sued the hell (pardon the expression) out of the makers of Beyond the Door in a case that was ultimately settled in ’79 in favor of Warner. Now here’s the funny thing. For all the similarities between the two movies, both of which deal with demonic possession, there is one BIG difference. The Exorcist is scary; Beyond the Door is too dopey to be scary. If anything, it’s weird. I was more amused than scared.

 Let me start by giving you the basic plot. Juliet Mills (Nanny and the Professor) plays Jessica, a young British housewife living in San Francisco with her music producer husband Robert (Lavia, Deep Red) and two children Gail (Fiorini) and Ken (Colin). The problems begin with her latest pregnancy. Something isn’t quite right. For one thing, it’s progressing at an alarmingly accelerated rate. It’s been only weeks when her doctor (Segurini, The Last Snows of Spring) informs her she’s already at three months. For another, she’s exhibiting bizarre symptoms like vomiting (a lot!), violent mood swings, changing voice and sleeping above the covers, about four feet above the covers. Did I mention the spinning head and other paranormal activity? Then there’s the creepy guy, Dimitri (Johnson, The Haunting), hanging around insisting that the child must be born. It can only be one thing, demonic possession. Yep, Jessica is carrying the Antichrist in her womb. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

 Before I go on about the movie, let’s talk about the kids for a minute. They are very, VERY strange. The girl who looks to be about nine always has at least 15 paperback copies of Love Story on or near her person. She calls her parents by their first names. She talks like a stoner saying things like, “You gotta stop that or it’s gonna blow my mind! Man, if you don’t quit crying, you’re gonna have a real bad trip.” The little boy, he’s four, drinks pea soup through a straw straight from the can. He does it non-stop. I guess it’s better than spitting it up like Linda Blair in…. what’s that movie, I can’t think of it at the moment. Both kids swear openly in front of their parents. And if that isn’t weird enough for you, their voices are dubbed in a way that brings to mind Bob, the kid from The House by the Cemetery. They’re the creepiest thing in Beyond the Door.

 My first experience with Beyond the Door was when I bought a cheap VHS copy at K-Mart. It was one of those $4.99 deals recorded on EP. It was the shorter cut (97 minutes) that played in American theaters in ’75. It was bashed by critics but did surprisingly good business earning about $15 million at the box office. I HATED that version. I thought it was boring and senseless. I never watched it again. Years later, I learned that the longer international version (called The Devil Within Her in the opening titles) was available on Code Red DVD. Naturally, I bought it on Amazon. It’s the better version by far, but it’s still ineffective as a horror movie.

 I almost hate to say it but Beyond the Door is kind of a joke. It has to be. It has a convoluted plot that tries to compensate with scenes that are supposed to be scary. Take the scene in the kids’ bedroom when everything suddenly goes haywire. Toys fly off the shelves, the whole room shakes and the door won’t open. The kids cower in the corner while their mother sleeps peacefully in the next room. It’s about as frightening as everything else that happens in the movie. Other things happen that are just plain weird. Robert decides to take a walk while his wife is with the doctor. As he does, a group of street musicians get up and walk next to him playing their instruments right in his face. It’s the score for the movie. It goes on for a minute or two. It’s one of many WTH moments in Beyond the Door.

 Juliet Mills adds the only note of class, but one is left to wonder what she’s doing here in the first place. She’s better than the material deserves. The other performances are pretty much what you’d expect. The actors recite dumb dialogue and react to the supposedly scary things happening around them. That’s it. It’s a no-brainer of a gig. Really, there’s nothing to it. Not only is Beyond the Door not scary, there’s no suspense either. The special effects are simply terrible. Director Ovidio G. Assonitis (Tentacles) piles the silliness so high, you can’t take any of it seriously.

 In the end, I find Beyond the Door more of a cinematic oddity than anything else. I don’t hate it but I can’t say I like it either. If pressed, I’d say that I appreciate its boldness in how openly it rips off The Exorcist. It’s one of those bad movies that entertain for all the wrong reasons. It made money, but how many viewers actually liked it? That’s the real question.