Blood Diner (1987) Lightning Pictures/Horror-Comedy RT: 88 minutes No MPAA rating (violence, gore, full frontal nudity, language) Director: Jackie Kong Screenplay: Michael Sonye Music: Don Preston Cinematography: Jurg Walther Release date: July 10, 1987 (US) Cast: Rick Burks, Carl Crew, Roger Dauer, LaNette La France, Lisa Guggenheim, Max Morris, Roxanne Cybelle, Sir (Lamont) Rodeheaver, Dino Lee, The Luv Johnsons, Drew Godderis, Bob Loya, Alan Corona, Deseree Rose, Laurie Guzda, Tanya Papanicolas, Karen Hazelwood, Effie Bilbrey, Michael Barton, Cynthia Baker, John Randall, Jane Cantillion, John Barton Shields. Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
If you’ve been following my reviews of the past several weeks, you know I’ve liked some really bad movies. Who in their right mind recommends trash like Code Name: Wild Geese, Drive-In Massacre, 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Sorority House Massacre II? Since I’m not in my right mind, ME! So it is with heavy heart that I make the following declaration. I didn’t like Blood Diner, a horror-comedy from the director of The Being and Night Patrol, Jackie Kong. It comes as a shock to me too. I fully expected to enjoy it, but I just couldn’t get into it.
Why didn’t I like Blood Diner? I’m clearly NOT a film snob; if I was, I wouldn’t be watching it in the first place. I have no problem with low-budget horror movies. They’re kind of a staple of my cinematic diet. It also isn’t because I didn’t get what Kong was going for. It’s obviously a homage to the films of Herschell Gordon Lewis aka “The Godfather of Gore”. As a matter of fact, it was originally conceived as a sequel to his 1963 splatter masterpiece Blood Feast until the makers changed their minds. My main problem with Blood Diner is that it’s a screaming bore. I had to fight to stay awake. It’s neither scary nor funny. Boring horror movies and unfunny comedies are bad enough each on their own. Put them together and you have something that really stinks.
The plot centers on the Tutman brothers, Michael (Burks) and George (Crew), and the “vegetarian” diner they own and operate. They’re the only living descendants of serial killer Anwar (Godderis) whose death by police they witness as young boys. Several years later, they bring back Uncle Anwar by digging up his body and placing his brain in a jar. He tasks them with resurrecting the ancient goddess Sheetar. To do that, they must stitch together body parts they collect from immoral women then summon her by sacrificing a virgin at a “blood buffet”. The virgin of choice is Connie (Guggenheim), a good girl bullied by her fellow cheerleaders until the Tutman boys slaughter them. They go around killing other bad girls while two mismatched detectives, Shepard (Dauer) and Sheba (La France), try to track them down.
The tagline for Blood Diner reads “First they greet you, then they eat you.” You’re probably asking where cannibalism fits in if the brothers run a “vegetarian” place. Notice how I use the word in quotations? That’s because it isn’t strictly vegetarian. They put unused body parts in the food. Nobody seems to notice. In fact, their clientele tends to rave about the food. This should be funny, but it isn’t, at least it isn’t here. The idea works to better effect in 1966’s The Undertaker and His Pals in which a victim named Sally Lamb becomes “Leg of Lamb”, the diner’s special of the day. It’s corny as all hell, but it works because the whole movie is a weird goof. While also a goof, Blood Diner is never that fun; it only thinks it is.
There are many reasons Blood Diner is terrible. It’s bad for all the usual reasons and more. One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is the sound recording. Very often, the actors’ voices have a disembodied sound like they re-recorded their dialogue at some later point in production. This, in turn, affects their performances. It makes them worse than they already are. Not that the characters are any great prize either. Everybody is an idiot. This applies to the insane as much as the sane, not that there are a lot of sane people on hand. The special effects are awful. They’re cheap and look it, but I guess it’s okay since the whole movie looks cheap. There are ways to make cheap movies look good; Kong puts none of them to use.
Blood Diner doesn’t have as much gore as I was led to believe by the “No One Under 17 Admitted” policy on the poster and the intro in which a narrator warns the viewer of the “many scenes of graphic violence” and it’s “not intended for the faint of heart”. I call BS! True, it’s violent and gross, but it’s hardly the bloodbath promised by the ad and intro. The finale in the punk club should have been an orgy of splatter like the lawnmower finale in Dead Alive. It has some but not enough.
For me, Blood Diner is just idiotic. It’s badly made on all levels. Scene after scene is executed poorly like the part where six topless cheerleaders get killed. It lands with a thud as do all of the supposed jokes and gags. The only other memorable kill scene is where a woman is decapitated after being deep-fried in batter. Kong mucks that one up too. Blood Diner is a failure all around. What’s worse, it isn’t at all good-natured. Homages are supposed to be a display of the artist’s affection towards a certain subject or person. It doesn’t seem like Kong has much love for splatter flicks judging by the contempt that runs through this movie’s veins. In addition to having low IQs, all of the characters are unpleasant. I didn’t like a single one of them.
I hate to come down on Blood Diner so hard especially since I enjoyed Kong’s other movies. Of course, they both have cool casts, something sorely lacking in this effort. I guess even Gong Show regulars have standards. They’re better off not appearing in Blood Diner, a most unappetizing dish of a movie.
