Rhinestone (1984) 20th Century Fox/Comedy RT: 111 minutes Rated PG (language, mild violence, crude humor) Director: Bob Clark Screenplay: Phil Alden Robinson and Sylvester Stallone Music: Dolly Parton and Larry Weiss Cinematography: Timothy Galfas Release date: June 21, 1984 (US) Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton, Richard Farnsworth, Ron Leibman, Tim Thomerson, Stephen Apostle Pec, Penny Santon, Ritch Brinkley, Jerry Potter, Phil Rubinstein, Russell Buchanan, Jesse Welles, Tony Munafo, Don Hanmer. Box Office: $21.4 million (US)
Rating: ***
The very notion of Italian Stallion Sylvester Stallone as a country musician alone makes Rhinestone an instant guilty pleasure. I know, the popular opinion is that the 1984 musical comedy, directed by Bob Clark (Porky’s I & II), is one of the worst movies of all time. The critics savaged it upon its release. It tanked at the box office. Here in my neck of the woods, it took about a month for Rhinestone to hit second-run $1 movie houses. I saw it with my dad at the old Lansdowne Theater on a hot July weeknight. I didn’t think it was all that bad. Actually, I found it quite funny. Stallone co-stars with singer Dolly Parton (The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) in this countrified version of Pygmalion. She has two weeks to turn him into a country singer as per a bet she makes with a sleazy nightclub owner. It’s supposedly based on Glen Campbell’s 1975 hit song “Rhinestone Cowboy”, but I don’t see the resemblance.
Jake Farris (Parton) wants out of her contract with Freddie Ugo (Leibman, Zorro, The Gay Blade), the smarmy, lecherous owner of the Rhinestone. She feels he’s holding her back from achieving true success as a country singer. She’s also tired of his non-stop advances. She bets him that she can take any normal person off the street (of his choosing) and turn him into a passable country singer in two weeks time. If she wins, he’ll tear up the contract. If not, she has to stay with him for five additional years. She also has to sleep with him. Never let it be said that Nick Martinelli (Stallone), a loud New York City taxi driver, doesn’t know how to make an entrance. He has an accident in front of the club and messes up his cab pretty badly. Naturally, this is who Freddie selects. Looks like Jake has her work cut out for her. After talking him into it, Jake takes Nick back home to Tennessee to begin the process of transforming him into a country singer just good enough to make it through one song at the club.
The small town of Leipers Fork seems like another planet to Nick. The ways of a true cowboy are as alien to him as birth control to the Waltons. Not to mention he hates country music, describing it as “worse than liver”. But he has a stake in the bet too; he gets his own taxi if he succeeds. Things are rocky at first with Nick and Jake hurling insults at each other. He calls her a “reject from Hee Haw”; she calls him a “damn bum”. Based on that, you know the two will fall for each other by the time he takes the stage at the club. In their corner is Jake’s bluegrass musician dad Noah (Farnsworth, The Straight Story). After seeing Nick make his first singing attempt, he says, “Son, that’s scary.” Adversity rears its ugly head in Tennessee in the form of Barnett Kale (Thomerson, The Wrong Guys), Jake’s former fiancee and singing partner. He turns out to be a redneck jerk, but who couldn’t see that coming.
Much of Rhinestone is funny, but the highlight has to be Stallone singing a ditty called “Drinkenstein”, a salute to Budweiser beer. Could this be a product plug? And the outfit he has on, good grief! It looks like Daniel Boone threw up raccoon tails on a cowboy suit designed for Frankenstein’s monster. That thing is hideous! The big question, however, is can Stallone actually sing? That’s a great big NO! It sounds exactly how you think it would sound if Rocky Balboa broke into song midway through a training montage. That’s what makes it so damn funny.
I really like Stallone’s comic performance in Rhinestone. A lot of people don’t think he’s funny; based on duds like Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, I can see why. Now I’m not saying the guy is a gifted comic actor in the tradition of Buster Keaton. A great deal of it comes off as clumsy and labored, but it’s not bad. Parton is a very likable performer and does a great job in Rhinestone. She gets to sing a few songs which is always cool. The film opens with “Tennessee Homesick Blues” playing over images of NYC. Great song, great contrast. Leibman also delivers a broad performance as the obnoxious horndog so deserving of his character’s initials. He’s like something out of an adult cartoon. Farnsworth brings a lot of down-home likability to his character.
The humor in Rhinestone is broad, silly and corny. Early on, Nick invites Jake back to his place (an apartment over the family funeral parlor) to see “his giant organ” (of course he means a musical instrument). Later, Barnett says “Thanks for the clap.” after only one person applauds his performance in a local bar. Scenes like this typically elicit collective groans from audiences, but I tend to find stupid jokes like this funny. A lot of people didn’t buy Stallone and Parton as a couple, but odd pairings like this crack me up. The chemistry between them feels a little forced, but what the hell, it’s a silly summertime comedy. The music is pretty great, especially with purposely bad songs like “Sweet Loving Friends” and “Stay Out of My Bedroom” (both duets). The late Clark directed a lot of crap in his career (e.g. Loose Cannons, Baby Geniuses), but I think Rhinestone is one of his better efforts (of course, I also liked Turk 182). It’s an awesome “so bad it’s great” movie. A must-see for all bad movie lovers!
FUNNY NOTE: Rhinestone played its brief first-run engagement at the Bryn Mawr, a twinplex that usually showed more prestigious films. The following weekend, Cannonball Run II opened in the other house. Who made up the schedule that summer?
