Fantasy Island (2020) Columbia/Horror RT: 110 minutes Rated PG-13 (violence, terror, drug content, suggestive material, brief strong language) Director: Jeff Wadlow Screenplay: Jeff Wadlow, Chris Roach and Jillian Jacobs Music: Bear McCreary Cinematography: Toby Oliver Release date: February 14, 2020 (US) Cast: Michael Pena, Maggie Q, Lucy Hale, Austin Stowell, Jimmy O. Yang, Ryan Hansen, Portia Doubleday, Michael Rooker, Parisa Fitz-Henley, Kim Coates. Box Office: $27.4M (US)/$49M (World)
Rating: * ½
Although my main area of interest is film, I like many different forms of entertainment like television, shows of the 70s and 80s in particular. In fact, I spend far more time than I should thinking about certain shows. Take Fantasy Island, a cheesy show that somehow ran for seven seasons (1977-84). It centered on a mysterious island where fantasies come true. Each week, a different set of guest stars showed up to live out their greatest fantasies courtesy of their charming host Mr. Roarke (Ricardo Montalban) and his diminutive assistant Tattoo (Herve Villechaize). It was fluff, a Love Boat-type show.
Sometimes when I lie awake at night waiting for sleep to take over, I imagine how certain shows could be redone as movies. Some programs cry out for reinventing. I always thought there was a dark side to Fantasy Island’s premise. The words of Oscar Wilde about being careful what you wish for would echo through my mind as I reimagined it as a horror movie. The notion that the guests have to see their fantasies though to their natural conclusion could be a terrifying one. Unfortunately, that is NOT the case with Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island, a lame movie that completely botches a great idea with not very likable characters and a plot that gets sillier as it goes along.
The basic idea of the movie Fantasy Island is the same. Guests arrive to the island by plane and are greeted by Roarke’s assistant; in this case, the mysterious Julia (Henley of Midnight, Texas) who informs them they will meet their host Mr. Roarke (Pena, Ant-Man) later that evening. They are Melanie (Hale, Truth or Dare), a young woman who wants revenge against her bully Sloane (Doubleday, Mr. Robot) from high school, Gwen (Maggie Q, Designated Survivor), a business woman who wants a do-over to reverse a bad decision she made in the past; Patrick (Stowell, Dolphin Tale 1 & 2), an ex-cop who wants to be a soldier to honor his dead dad and a pair of obnoxious d-bags, JD (Hansen, Veronica Mars) and Brax (Yang, Crazy Rich Asians), who want to have it all. They have their wishes granted only for them to turn into nightmares.
Once again, we’re faced with a horror movie that should have gone for an R rating, but instead settled for the softer PG-13. As a result, Fantasy Island isn’t at all scary. A supposed horror movie containing unkillable zombie-like beings whose eyeballs dissolve into black goo, a freaky surgeon named “Dr. Torture” and a Saw-like torture scene should have a little something going for it but they’re not used effectively. This movie isn’t even eerie, not the slightest bit. Instead, it’s nonsensical. I don’t want to give away too much, but the stories come together in a way that defies all logic. HOWEVER, the ludicrous plot is the very thing that makes Fantasy Island more watchable than this weekend’s dull romantic drama The Photograph. It may be stupid, but it’ll hold your attention.
Directed in pedestrian fashion by Jeff Wadlow (Truth or Dare), Fantasy Island wastes a cast of talented actors who should have known better. Maggie Q is a regular bad ass, but there’s no evidence of it here. Her self-loathing character, one who truly believes she’s not entitled to happiness, might be the most likable of the bunch. Her performance isn’t bad; it’s simply better than the material deserves. Still, I would have loved to see her fight some of Roarke’s creepy employees. Hale deserves better than the nonsense she’s endured at Wadlow’s hands in two movies now. Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) overacts as a creepy dude lurking around the woods with a machete. It’s okay though, he’s Michael Rooker, this is what he does.
Blumhouse, the studio responsible for the Paranormal Activity and Purge movies, blows it big time with Fantasy Island. They take a can’t-miss idea and miss by a mile. It’s too silly to be scary and too dark to be fluff. The PG-13 is a BIG mistake. It’s obviously meant to bring in the teens, but will they really be interested in a new version of a show their grandparents used to watch? It’s unlikely true horror fans will want to bother with something this tame.
The only level Fantasy Island works on is seeing how dumb it gets as the story progresses. The screenplay, the work of three writers, is a mess. Plot points are piled on haphazardly. It even has the nerve to promise a follow-up by working in a familiar element in the final scene. I did a lot of eye-rolling during this one. At least it kept me awake making for a bad movie that’s at least watchable albeit for all the wrong reasons.
