Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986) FM Entertainment/Comedy RT: 90 minutes Rated R (nudity, sexual content, language) Director: Mike Marvin Screenplay: Donald Ross Music: Peter Bernstein Cinematography: Karen Grossman Release date: January 31, 1986 (US) Cast: Leigh McCloskey, Dick Butkus, Randi Brooks, Jack Blessing, Sandy Hackett, Charles Tyner, Debra Blee, Chuck McCann, John Young, Chip McAllister, Barbara Whinnery, Maria Richwine, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Bob Hogan, Lillian Garrett. Box Office: N/A
Rating: ***
Mike Marvin, the director of the silly comedy Hamburger: The Motion Picture, also wrote the script for Hot Dog… The Movie. I’m still waiting for French Fries: Le Film and Milkshake: The Musical.
Modeled after the Police Academy movies, Hamburger: The Motion Picture follows a bunch of misfits as they attempt to graduate Busterburger University, a training program for potential managers not unlike McDonald’s Hamburger University (currently in Chicago). The head misfit of this group is Russell Proco (McCloskey, Fraternity Vacation), a screw-up who’s been expelled from several universities for sexual activity. It seems that wherever he goes, women always throw themselves at him. Gee, I wish I had this guy’s problems. ANYWAY, he has a large trust fund waiting for him when he gets a college degree. Until then, he can’t touch it. Out of options (his parents have cut him off), he enrolls in BU, a free 12-week program for which he’ll receive a diploma upon completion. All he has to do is keep it in his pants.
The other misfits include fellow lothario Fred Domino (Hackett, Hot Dog… The Movie), enthusiastic nerd Ziper (Blessing, Galaxy of Terror), nun Sister Sara (Whinnery, St. Elsewhere), nymphomaniac South American guerilla fighter Conchita (Richwine, The Buddy Holly Story), a fat guy (Young, Road House) who uses electroshock to keep from overeating and Magneto (McAllister, Weekend Pass), a funk singer forced into the program to promote diversity- i.e. to prove Busterburger isn’t a bigoted company. He’s their token black guy (in handcuffs).
Of course, they’re overseen by a tyrant, Grill Sgt. Drootin (NFL star Butkus), determined to flunk each and every one of them. He wastes no time in laying down the law. There are three main rules at BU: (1) no outside food, (2) no leaving the campus at any time and (3) no sexual activity. Naturally, all will be broken in no time.
Russell runs afoul of Drootin when he becomes attracted to his fiancee Mia (Blee, The Beach Girls), the daughter of BU founder Lyman Vunk (Tyner, Planes, Trains and Automobiles). Meanwhile, Fred starts an affair with Vunk’s insatiable trophy wife (Brooks, TerrorVision) and Ziper agrees to take part in strange experiments conducted by resident mad scientist Dr. Mole (McCann, Lunch Wagon) that make him act like a chicken.
As you can plainly see, Hamburger: The Motion Picture is totally ridiculous. There’s literally no other way to describe it. It starts out dumb and goes downhill from there. Actually, it starts out kind of gross with an opening titles montage of people stuffing burgers in their faces while a tune called “Hamburgers for America” plays on the soundtrack. Now that I think about it, there’s a lot of gross humor, most of it food-related. While the fat guy eating a bull testicle has its merits, the grossest scene hands down is when Drootin speeds up a burger assembly machine on Russell and shoves his face in the mess of meat, buns, toppings and condiments. I could have done without it but some people find it funny so c’est la vie.
Until this week, I hadn’t watched Hamburger: The Motion Picture since the late 80s. I forgot how stupidly funny it is. It’s one of the giddier entries in the teen sex genre. It doesn’t take long for it to push the envelope with a scene of an old lady (in a flowered hat, no less) at the drive-through order box (shaped like a pickle) telling an ornery employee “F*** off, pickle!” before dying of a heart attack. There’s also a hilarious scene in a Chinese restaurant involving Fred, Mrs. Volk and some under-the-table cunnilingus. I’ve heard of eating out, but this is ridiculous. Yes, Hamburger: The Motion Picture is rather racy. It features a lot of naked boobies and decidedly un-PC sex humor. Speaking of un-PC, it also mines ethnic stereotypes for laughs. Look no further than Magneto, a Prince clone who calls women “bitches” and “hos” or the machine gun-toting Banana Republic female freedom fighter. Yeah, this one wouldn’t get past the PC Nazis of the 21st century.
I haven’t even gotten to the finale where, as part of their final exam, the trainees must operate a Busterburger on their own for an entire day. This is an ideal opportunity for the mean grill sergeant to screw everybody over. He arranges for an eating club, consisting of several obese people and one “skinny, walnut mother f***er“, to eat the entire inventory. The trainees finally deal with them by serving them shakes laced with industrial strength laxative. In addition, they have to deal with bikers and black cops who help them trash the joint over racist comments made when Drootin electronically hijacks the drive-through box.
I know Butkus isn’t the first name you think of when it comes to comedy, but he’s a riot in Hamburger: The Motion Picture. This is the role he was born to play. He manages a near-perfect blend of sadistic and moronic. He gets some choice lines, referring to people by such witty sobriquets as “ketchup crotch” and “pickle prick”. HOWEVER, the best line in Hamburger: The Motion Picture belongs to Tyner. Among the mantras he teaches his students, the most eloquent is “Put those cookies back, mother f***er!” It’s even funnier when said to a little kid. Hey, I never said Hamburger: The Motion Picture was in good taste. Quite the opposite, it wallows in bad taste and revels in it too.
McCloskey is pretty good in the lead, but he’s no Steve Guttenberg. It was great seeing Blee, the star of another great 80s teen sex comedy The Beach Girls. McAllister is very funny as Magneto who has to be one of the coolest fictional black guys in the history of cinema. I love how he refers to a certain set of customers as “fat mother f***ers”. Brooks has some great moments as the horny wife who convinces Fred to try it in a helicopter with the expected chaotic results.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t give the production design a shout-out. The trainees sleep in beds shaped like cheeseburgers with pickle slice pillows. Punishment is meted out in giant plastic pickles where detainees have secret sauce poured on them while the annoying company jingle plays on repeat mode. Yeah, Hamburger: The Motion Picture is as idiotic as it sounds, but that what I like about it. It’s a so-stupid-it’s-great, no-budget, low-class comedy on par with the likes of Joy Sticks, Screwballs and Night Patrol. I don’t know who owns the rights, but it needs an official DVD/Blu-Ray release NOW!
