Mr. Magoo (1997)    Disney/Comedy    RT: 87 minutes    Rated PG (comic violence, action sequences, mild language)    Director: Stanley Tong    Screenplay: Pat Proft and Tom Sherohman    Music: Mike Travera    Cinematography: Jingle Ma    Release date: December 25, 1997 (US)    Cast: Leslie Nielsen, Kelly Lynch, Matt Keeslar, Nick Chinlund, Stephen Tobolowsky, Ernie Hudson, Jennifer Garner, Malcolm McDowell, Miguel Ferrer, L. Harvey Gold, Art Irizawa, John Tierney, Terence Kelly, Rick Burgess, Jerry Wasserman.    Box Office: $21.4M (US)/$28.9M (World)

Rating: NO STARS!!!

 With almost every movie, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. I’m not sure if there’s a right way to do a movie like Mr. Magoo, but its makers sure found the wrong way. In fact, it’s wrong in every single way. They couldn’t have done a worse job bringing the cartoon character to live-action life if they tried. It’s the kind of bad movie that gives bad movies a bad name.

 By way of illustrating how terrible Mr. Magoo is, let me tell you about something that happened at the pre-release screening. A renowned area film critic was in attendance with his 5YO daughter. I asked her afterwards what she thought and she said hesitantly, “It was okay.” When a child of five doesn’t know what to make of a movie aimed at kids, something’s definitely wrong.

 If asked to pick the worst aspect of Mr. Magoo, it’s a real no-brainer. It’s the casting of Leslie Nielsen as the title character, an extremely near-sighted old man with a penchant for getting in and out of dangerous situations through sheer luck. In his original animated incarnation, he was short, bald and voiced by Jim Backus. Nielsen is none of those. He didn’t even bother to shave his whole head for the role. I suspect he was cast for his name value only. A better choice would have been Wallace Shawn (The Princess Bride), but his name doesn’t exactly sell tickets, so we’re stuck watching Nielsen bumble his way through the role. It’s painful.

 The plot, such as it is, involves wealthy canned vegetable factory owner Quincy Magoo being suspected of stealing a valuable gem from a museum. It was actually the work of a pair of jewel thieves played by Kelly Lynch (Road House) and Nick Chinlund (Con Air), but somehow “The Star of Kuristan” ends up in his possession. They try to get it back. He wants to deliver it to his boss (McDowell, A Clockwork Orange). She has other plans. The feds on the case, CIA guy Anders (Hudson, Ghostbusters) and FBI guy Stupak (Tobolowsky, Groundhog Day), are two walking, talking examples of ineptitude. Naturally, Magoo has no idea what’s going on. At a certain point, neither does the viewer.

 The story takes Magoo, his dim-witted nephew Waldo (Keeslar, The Stupids) and his faithful dog Angus to a ski resort where Magoo poses as a Latin American crime lord and ends up gliding down a mountain on an ironing board. There’s a romantic subplot involving Waldo and a Kuristan dignitary (Garner, 13 Going on 30). At one point, they chase after one of the bad guys in an eggplant-shaped car. Don’t ask me why? Nothing in Mr. Magoo makes much sense. Rhyme and reason never once factor in.

 You know what else doesn’t factor into Mr. Magoo? HUMOR! This movie is devoid of it. It is monstrously unfunny. It’s directed by Stanley Tong whose previous work with Jackie Chan- Supercop, Rumble in the Bronx and First Strike- is great fun. It’s abundantly clear he’s the wrong guy to direct a live-action version of a cartoon. Mr. Magoo falls flat on its face with every failed attempt at a joke, sight gag or slapstick piece. The physical humor is clumsy at best. Even the outtakes at the end fail to generate a single laugh. The only laugh comes at the end with the disclaimer stating that the movie “is not intended as an accurate portrayal of blindness or poor eyesight”. NO S***, SHERLOCK! Anybody who thinks Mr. Magoo accurately depicts poor eyesight is a moron. Whose bright idea was it to put in such a disclaimer in the first place? Whoever it was, he/she is obviously out of touch with reality.

 Forget about the acting in Mr. Magoo. Nobody gives anything close to an actual performance. They stumble, bumble and tumble through their roles. Nielsen absolutely embarrasses himself with the unfunny schtick he’s asked to perform. He’s a terrible Magoo. All of the characters are blithering idiots. The dog is the only one with any sense or intelligence. And what is McDowell even doing here? Is he that hard up for money? I don’t know what Disney paid him to be in their movie, but it wasn’t enough. No amount of money can ever buy back the dignity he lost by getting involved with this project.

 I liked the Mr. Magoo cartoons as a child; however, what’s amusing in six-minute increments doesn’t necessarily work as an 87-minute feature film. Mr. Magoo is a one-joke movie in which the joke ceases to be funny before the animated opening credits are over. We’re reminded of Magoo’s cartoon origins before and after the movie proper. It just makes it all the more painful. Mr. Magoo manages the rare feat of being both mentally and physically excruciating. I can’t believe anybody at Disney thought it would go over.

 Let me circle back to that disclaimer. If anybody should be offended by this miserable botch job of a movie, it’s sighted people for having to make the effort of closing their eyes not to see it. That’s one advantage the blind and poor-sighted have. That being said, NOBODY should see, hear or have anything to do with Mr. Magoo.