Parasite (1982) Embassy/Sci-Fi-Horror RT: 85 minutes Rated R (violence, gore, language, brief nudity) Director: Charles Band Screenplay: Alan J. Adler, Michael Shoob and Frank Levering Music: Richard Band Cinematography: Mac Ahlberg Release date: March 12, 1982 (US) Cast: Robert Glaudini, Demi Moore, Luca Bercovici, James Davidson, Al Fann, Tom Villard, Scott Thomson, Cherie Currie, Vivian Blaine, James Cavan, Joanelle Romero, Freddy Moore, Natalie May, Cheryl Smith, Joel Miller. Box Office: N/A
Rating: * ½
Before the arrival of a certain Korean film that won several Oscars earlier this year, the title Parasite referred to something entirely different. Some of you may recall that a movie by that same name was released during the brief 3D craze of 1981-83. I remember it as the only one of the bunch I didn’t get to see at the movies. Ooh, that damn parental R-rated movie block! I tried to watch Parasite a few times over the years and I’ve never been able to make it all the way through. This time, however, I was determined to watch the whole thing straight through from start to finish. Well, I made it, but I’m not sure it counts as a victory. It’s BAD!
Perhaps the only truly notable thing about Parasite is that it’s Demi Moore’s first starring role. It’s not a role she’s proud of based on her comment about it being “the worst movie [she’s] ever been in” in an interview with James Corden. While not her best performance or even a particularly good one, you can still tell she’s better than the material deserves. She had to get her start somewhere, didn’t she?
Directed by Charles Band (Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn), this futuristic sci-fi-horror takes place in a world devastated by some unexplained atomic catastrophe. America has become a totalitarian hellhole run by “Merchants” and overrun with gangs of hooligans. Petrol costs $41 a gallon, “real coffee” is hard to come by and nobody accepts cash as payment anymore (it’s a barter system). The plot centers on scientist Dr. Paul Dean (Glaudini, Wavelength) and his regrets over creating a deadly life form on the orders of the Merchants. It’s a parasite that attaches itself to human hosts and feeds on them until they die. Intent on destroying his work before it can be used for nefarious purposes, he escapes from his lab with two samples, one in a silver canister and the other in his stomach.
Paul winds up in the small dusty town of Joshua where he rents a room at the home of Elizabeth Daley (Blaine, Guys and Dolls), a former actress who wears entirely too much makeup. He’s trying to find a way to destroy the parasites for good and needs a place to study them. It isn’t long before he catches the attention of Ricus (Bercovici, Frightmare) and his gang. And what a gang it is! It has a Runaway (Currie of the 70s-era all-girl rock group The Runaways), a Stork (Villard, One Crazy Summer) and a Police Academy cadet (Thomson). Of course, they steal the canister and open it thinking it contains something valuable. Instead, they literally free the beast.
All the while, Paul is being pursued by Wolf (Davidson, The Mechanic), a Merchant who tools around in a black Lamborghini and keeps a laser gun hidden up his sleeve just in case he has to shoot somebody’s hand off. He wants the parasite too. UH OH! In all this explanation, I somehow managed to neglect Demi. She plays Patricia, a lemon farmer (?) who agrees to help Paul in his mission to destroy the parasites. There, now you have the whole overview.
As much as I’d like to say Parasite is laughably bad, I can’t. Other than a few bizarre casting choices, I wasn’t particularly amused by anything going on in this stupid, boring movie. I hate saying this since I normally like dopey B-movies, but I cannot get around this one’s many flaws. The screenplay is banal, the story is uninspired, the characters are dull and the acting is terrible. It looks dirty and ugly. It’s clumsily paced with too few scares and not enough terror. There’s too much talking and standing around waiting for something to happen. Although I didn’t see it in 3D, I can tell which scenes actually made use of the effect. The coolest seems to be the scene where a guy gets impaled by a pipe that starts to drip blood out the end aimed at the audience. Most of the 3D tricks happen in the first 20 or so minutes. After that, they’re fewer and farther in between.
The only reason Parasite gets an extra half-star is for the creature and gore effects. Stan Winston (The Terminator, Predator) created the parasite. It’s a slimy, worm-like bugger with lots of sharp teeth. It’s not his finest work, but it’s still pretty cool. There’s a great scene where the parasite bursts out of a woman’s face. Now that would have been cool to see in 3D! I also like the scene where the guy gets his hand blown off by a laser. It has a little bit of blood spurt. However cool all of this is, it’s not enough to save Parasite, not by a long shot. I can’t believe it took three writers to come up with something this lame. Perhaps they should have forgotten about the 3D and concentrated on writing a decent script instead. Did they at least write an apology letter to Demi for this potential career ender? If not, it’s long overdue.
