Private School (1983) Universal/Comedy RT: 88 minutes Rated R (language, full frontal nudity, strong sexual dialogue and content, alcohol abuse) Director: Noel Black Screenplay: Dan Greenburg and Suzanne O’Malley Music: N/A Cinematography: Walter Lassally Release date: July 29, 1983 (US) Cast: Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell, Matthew Modine, Michael Zorek, Kathleen Wilhoite, Jonathan Prince, Fran Ryan, Sylvia Kristel, Ray Walston, Martin Mull, Kari Lizer, Richard Stahl, Julie Payne, Frances Bay, Frank Aletter. Box Office: $14M (US)
Rating: ***
Private School is one of the many “horny teenager” movies that came out in the early 80s. What sets it apart from the likes of Porky’s, Joysticks and Screwballs is the sweet love story at its raunchy little heart. The love story concerns Chrissy (Cates, Fast Times at Ridgemont High) and her boyfriend Jim (Modine, Full Metal Jacket), two teens in love who believe they’re ready to take the next step in their relationship. They decide to “do it”. Naturally, there’s a lot of confusion on their part about the subject of sex. That alone would have made for a nice summer make-out movie. In keeping with the times, Private School has a lot more of its mind; namely, teen hijinks that involve Jim’s horny friends’ continual attempts to score with members of the opposite sex.
The girls attend Cherryvale Academy; the guys go to Freemount. Jim is basically decent, but also dim. He keeps going along with his two friends- fat, sex crazy Bubba (Zorek, Hot Moves) and geeky Roy (Prince, Halloween II)- and their schemes to peek at naked girls. Thus we get scenes of the guys hiding in girls locker rooms and peeping in windows. At one point, they sneak into the all-girls school in drag. Hey, it was the 80s; all of this stuff was still okay.
At Cherryvale, Chrissy is the “good girl”- i.e. virgin. Her archrival is “bad girl” Jordan (Russell, Avenging Angel). She wants to steal Jim away from Chrissy. Why? Because she’s the “bad girl”, that’s why. Chrissy’s roommate Betsy (Wilhoite, Roadhouse) is a tomboy who doesn’t take any of Jordan’s crap. There’s a sex education teacher named Ms. Copoletta (Kristel, Private Lessons) and a strict headmistress Miss Dutchbok (Ryan, Stripes) that the girls call “Miss Douchebag.” She’s the obligatory uptight authority figure whose only concern is raising money to build a new wing on the school. This part of the “plot” is never resolved, so why even mention it in the first place?
Among the comedic high/low points are a literal example of “bareback horse riding” by Jordan and an unbelievable Parents Day at Cherryvale. Most of the parents are middle-aged perverts. Let me ask you this, why would the school administrators allow the girls to play water volleyball wearing skimpy bikinis on such an important day? Answer, it gives the pervert dads something to ogle at while visiting their daughters.
The only reasonable parent in Private School is Chrissy’s father. He gives Jim solid advice while he and his daughter are having a lovers spat. Let me explain something you probably already know. All of these movies have to include a scene where the bad girl tries to seduce the good girl’s boyfriend. The good girl walks in and misunderstands the situation. It’s followed by a period of agonizing separation before the inevitable scene where they kiss and make up. That’s exactly what happens here. You’d think Chrissy would be smart enough to know it was just another one of Jordan’s schemes, but nobody is smarter than the script needs them to be in these horny teenager movies.
Getting back to the romance part of the Private School, it plays out like clockwork. It has the obligatory scenes of Jim and Chrissy preparing for the big night. She awkwardly makes hotel reservations using a fake name and giving WAY too much information. She goes to buy condoms in the same pharmacy where Miss Dutchbok happens to be doing some shopping. And so forth. Things get real when they finally reach the proverbial moment of truth. They’re both scared and unsure. They talk openly about their fears and concerns. They’re scared of how it will change their relationship. I give director Noel Black (Pretty Poison) a lot of credit for addressing such issues.
The rest of Private School is standard teen trash material. The boys try and try (unsuccessfully, of course) to get laid. Pranks are played. Betsy leaves a burning bag of horse manure outside Jordan’s dorm room. In one scene, Betsy and Bubba climb into the front seat of a limo only to realize Dutchbok and Chrissy’s dad’s chauffeur (Walston, Fast Times at Ridgemont High) are in the back seat getting it on. They turn on the car’s microphone so everybody on campus can hear them. There’s another scene where Bubba accidentally gets into bed with the girls’ butch gym teacher (Payne, Fraternity Vacation). I could go on and on about the shenanigans in Private School, but it doesn’t matter since they’re nearly identical to the situations in any horny teenager movie.
I will say that Cates and Modine deliver sweet performances. They have real chemistry. Wilhoite is hilarious as Chrissy’s roommate while Russell makes a perfect bad girl. Overall, the performances in Private School aren’t terrible. In fact, they’re just right for a movie like this. The usual collection of character types is present and accounted for. It has better production values than the usual cheap teen sex comedy. Overall, it’s not bad.
I’d like to end this review with a funny anecdote I heard involving this movie. A middle-aged couple went to see Private School (directed by Noel Black). It was clear that the wife was uncomfortable as she nervously tittered at the characters’ hijinks. The husband slowly became infuriated. Finally, he turns to her and says, “I can’t believe Noel Coward wrote this.” She replied “Dear, that was Private Lives.” It was a popular stage play at the time. LOL! Sometimes, the people in the audience can be just as entertaining (if not more) than the movie itself.
