Spasms (1983) Producers Distributing/Horror RT: 90 minutes Rated R (violence, language, nudity) Director: William Fruet Screenplay: Don Enright and William Fruet Music: Eric Robertson Cinematography: Mark Irwin Release date: May 11, 1984 (US) Cast: Peter Fonda, Oliver Reed, Kerrie Keane, Al Waxman, Marilyn Lightstone, Angus MacInnes, Miguel Fernandes, Gerard Parkes, William Needles, George Bloomfield, Laurie Brown, Julie Khaner, Harvey Chao, Patrick Brymer, Denis Simpson, Sandra Awalt, Al Maini. Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
I experienced periodic brain spasms throughout Spasms brought on by sheer boredom. I didn’t even think this was medically possible. Perhaps I erred in not following Brotman’s Law, the rule that categorically states that if nothing has happened by the end of the first reel, nothing is going to happen. Maybe I should have just cut my losses and turned it off. It’s a full 45 minutes before anything even remotely interesting happens. It’s another 15 until the movie’s only good scene. Then it’s another 30 minutes until it’s finally over. You know something’s gone horribly wrong when even the end theme by Tangerine Dream sucks.
By all means, Spasms should have been fun. The Canadian horror movie about a large deadly snake, directed by William Fruet (Funeral Home), boasts a killer cast that includes Peter Fonda (Race with the Devil), Oliver Reed (Venom), Kerrie Keane (The Incubus) and Al Waxman (Class of 1984). The idea of Reed’s character being psychically linked to the reptile is wonderfully silly. There’s fun to be had with the subplot about the satanic cult. There’s a lot of unrealized potential here. It could have been a great B-movie. It’s undone by its plodding pace and flat direction.
Things start off slow with an extended sequence of island natives in full ceremonial gear chanting and jumping, tying to summon “the devil”- i.e. the snake. It goes on for several minutes. A poacher is waiting nearby to capture the snake and take it to Kincaid (Reed), the rich wacko who claims to have a psychic connection to it as a result of being bitten during a hunting trip to the island off the coast of New Guinea with his brother who wasn’t so lucky. The highly toxic venom killed his sibling while giving him the ability to sense what the serpent senses. When it kills, he can feel it. He hires psychiatrist/ESP researcher Dr. Brasilian (Fonda) to help him gain a better understanding of the link in exchange for funding all his future research.
Meanwhile, sleazy ex-CIA guy Crowley (Waxman) makes arrangements for the snake to fall into the wrong hands, the aforementioned cult. They see it as their god. When Crowley fails to acquire it, the cult leader sends one of his guys (MacInnes, Strange Brew) to help him steal it from the college laboratory where Kincaid had it sent. How can that possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, they’re both idiots. They screw up royally and set it free. That’s the “remotely interesting” thing that happens at the 45 minute mark.
To save you the time and effort of watching Spasms, a venture I strongly advise against anyway, I will tell you about the one and only good scene. The snake slithers its way into a house occupied by three girls, one of whom is taking a shower (BOOBIES!). It attacks. One girl gets thrown around like a rag doll before hitting the shower door while the girl inside screams her head off. It’s the only time Spasms really comes to life. Other than Kincaid having visions of this episode a few scenes later, the movie drags and limps to its predictable conclusion, one made worse by the makers running out of money before it was shot. However, it’s the only time we get more than a momentary glimpse of the snake so the end isn’t a total loss.
I knew exactly what Spasms was when I sat down to watch. It’s Canuxploitation and one of the many animal attack flicks that followed in the wake of Jaws. I wasn’t expecting the Citizen Kane of deadly snake movies. If there is such a picture, it would have to be 1997’s Anaconda but that’s another review for another time. All I wanted from Spasms was a good time and it doesn’t deliver one on any level. The closest it gets to being campy is Reed’s hammy performance, one that can be partially attributed to his alcoholism. Unfortunately, even he can’t help Spasms rise to the level of low camp. He, like the other major cast members, is wasted in this dull cheapie.
Fonda is given little to do as Brasilian. I’m pretty sure he took the role just to keep himself out there until something better- e.g. Ulee’s Gold- came along. Keane plays Kincaid’s niece Suzanne who’s convinced her uncle is delusional. There’s no way he can be telepathically linked to a reptile, right? Wrong! She too is underused. The same goes for Waxman, an otherwise terrific character actor known to Americans mainly for his role on the cop show Cagney & Lacey.
The poor lighting is an obvious attempt to hide the crummy special effects. The ending disappoints because it fails to address the link between Kincaid and the snake settling instead for a quickie showdown that doesn’t answer any questions. A lot of people blame the many failings of Spasms on lack of funds. I say the substandard screenplay shares the blame. There’s virtually no character development or insight. Fruet’s clear lack of enthusiasm for the material, which shows in the movie’s seeming unawareness of its far-fetched premise, certainly doesn’t help. It’s simply a bore.
I’m not going to beat myself up over my decision to include Spasms in my weekly grindhouse package. I made a conscious choice to watch it after years of passing it by at my usual video store haunts. I should have kept on passing by.
