Wild Wild West (1999) Warner Bros./Action-Comedy-Western RT: 107 minutes Rated PG-13 (language, racial epithets, action violence, sexual references/innuendo) Director: Barry Sonnenfeld Screenplay: S.S. Wilson, Brent Maddock, Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman Music: Elmer Bernstein Cinematography: Michael Ballhaus Release date: June 30, 1999 (US) Cast: Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh, Salma Hayek, M. Emmett Walsh, Ted Levine, Bai Ling, Frederique van der Wal, Musetta Vander, Garcelle Beauvais, Rodney A. Grant, Buck Taylor. Box Office: $113.7M (US)/$222.1M (World)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
What a vile, vile mess! Nothing goes right in Wild Wild West, a misconceived adaptation of the cult TV series (1965-69) about a gadget-happy Secret Service agent in the Old West. Think James Bond on horseback. It isn’t just bad, it’s brutally bad! It instantly earned a spot on my “10 Worst Movies of All Time” list; I didn’t even have to think about it. Good thing since I left the theater with a pounding headache from all the noise and mayhem.
The original series had a clever premise in that it combined elements of westerns and spy shows. Agent James West and partner Artemus Gordon rode the Old West on board their specially-equipped train “The Wanderer” protecting the President while keeping the country safe from megalomaniacs and other dastardly villains. The show was noted for the agents’ and villains’ use of technologically-advanced gadgets and weapons. One might even argue that The Wild Wild West ultimately gave rise to the steampunk subculture.
None of the charm and cleverness of the TV series is on display in Wild Wild West. It’s a loud, bloated, incomprehensible mess that sucks all the life right out of the theater. More oft than not, TV-to-movie adaptations don’t work for one reason or another. Rarely do they fail as miserably as Wild Wild West, a movie that not only validates Murphy’s Law, it takes it to the next level. Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong to the point of the entire movie being a criminal offense. Is there a statute of limitations on aggravated sensory assault charges? Does it apply when the victim watches the movie again several years later? Is there a lawyer in the house who would care to address these questions?
Will Smith (Men in Black) steps in for Robert Conrad in the lead role. Agent West is a groovy sort of cat who has no problem picking up women. We first meet him taking a bath with Belle (Beauvais, NYPD Blue) in a water tower when he spots longtime adversary General “Bloodbath” McGrath (Levine, The Silence of the Lambs) conducting some shady business. Long story short, West ends up standing naked in front of a bunch of villains. It’s also his first encounter with future partner Artemus Gordon (Kline, A Fish Called Wanda) who’s working undercover (read, in drag) to nail McGrath. Naturally, they end up butting heads.
They meet again at the Oval Office when President Ulysses Grant (Kline in a dual role) summons them to investigate the disappearances of many prominent scientists and a related treasonous plot by McGrath. The pair boards “The Wanderer” for the first time and head off to discover who or what is behind the unexplained disappearances. They are eventually joined by Rita (Hayek, Desperado), a hot Mexican mamacita looking for her missing scientist father. Naturally, both horny dudes develop the hots for her.
It turns out a deranged ex-Confederate scientist named Dr. Arliss Loveless (Branagh, Henry V) is the one engineering a nefarious plot to kidnap President Grant and threaten to destroy the US unless he gives in to his insane demands. It doesn’t really matter what these demands are; it has something to do with dividing the states between several foreign countries and himself. It’s the next best thing to total world domination, I guess. Not just any ordinary megalomaniac, the legless Loveless (he gets around in a steam-powered wheelchair) has a giant, weaponized mechanical spider with two built-in cannons at his disposal. It’s up to West and Gordon (the builder of West’s gadgets) to save the President, defeat Loveless and make the US safe for democracy once again. All in a day’s work, I suppose.
I absolutely loathe Wild Wild West. It’s insulting in how it shows such utter contempt for its audience. It’s one of the excruciating movie experiences that I’ve ever had. Even so, I willingly chose to subject myself to a second viewing in hopes of gaining a fresh perspective on it, but it only reaffirmed my hatred of it. When I first saw it back in ’99, I had an epiphany about midway through. It hit me that Smith is a highly overrated actor. That’s not to say that he hasn’t been good in other movies. He was quite good in Six Degrees of Separation. He was fine in Independence Day, Men in Black, Hitch and Bad Boys I & II. I even liked him in Enemy of the State. I can take or leave the rest of his movies.
At this point, one might be tempted to ask what possessed the producers to cast Smith as James West. I already know the answer to that and so do you. It’s the almighty box office dollar. Isn’t that ALWAYS the bottom line? At the time, Smith’s name above the title guaranteed a huge turn-out. The sad thing is audiences did show up to see Wild Wild West although I have yet to meet a single person who actually liked it. Its domestic gross of $113.7 million fell short of its $170 million price tag making it Smith’s first big box office misfire. This bombastic dud additionally wastes the talents of two gifted actors, Oscar winner Kline and Oscar nominee Branagh. At least Hayek is easy on the eyes as she contributes little else to this fiasco.
Wild Wild West isn’t even pleasant to look at. It’s one of the ugliest mainstream films I’ve ever seen. It’s unfunny, unexciting and unwatchable. It fires one blank after another. It’s depressing how terrible it is. It’s yet another example of that subgenre of summer action movies I like to call “Boys With Toys”. It’s pure cinematic masturbation. The usually exciting visual sense of director Sonnenfeld (Men in Black) comes off as merely self-indulgent and self-gratifying in Wild Wild West. I can’t think of a single positive thing to say about this colossal time waster. It’s not even enjoyably bad; it’s just plain bad. In the vernacular of my generation, IT SUCKS BIG TIME!
If you have fond memories of the original series or even if you’ve never heard of it, make a wide berth around this mega-stinker. Avoid it at all costs! Otherwise, you’ll feel like you stepped in something that came out of the south end of the horse. Now will somebody please pass the Extra Strength Tylenol?
