Vampires Suck (2010) 20th Century Fox/Comedy RT: 83 minutes (Extended Version) Unrated (crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying) Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Screenplay: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Music: Christopher Lennertz Cinematography: Shawn Maurer Release date: August 18, 2010 (US) Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van dar Pol, David DeLuise, Kelsey Ford, Dave Foley, Jeff Witzke, Crista Flanagan, Nick Eversman, Zane Holtz, Stephanie Fischer, Michael Hanson, Jun Hee Lee, Arielle Kebbel, B.J. Britt, Charlie Weber, Michael Mayhall, Bradley Dodds, Emily Brobst. Box Office: $36.6M (US)/$80.5M (World)
Rating: ½ *
Vampires Suck and so does this anemic spoof of the Twilight movies. I’m going to change things up a bit with this review and start with the plot synopsis. That’s because there really isn’t a lot to tell. It’s basically the important plot points of the first two Twilight movies with sight gags, pratfalls, non-sequiturs, double entendres and a ton of pop culture references scattered randomly throughout. That’s it. Oh, one other thing. It’s NOT funny.
Now I know some of you out there have never seen a single one of the megapopular films based on the YA novel series by Stephenie Meyer. That’s okay; I don’t think you’ll have a problem following Vampires Suck. It’s literally a no-brainer. The heroine, a teen girl named Becca Crane (Proske), falls hard for Edward Sullen (Lanter, Disaster Movie), a handsome vampire who glitters in the sunlight. At the same time, local Native American teen boy Jacob White (Riggi, Adult World) has a thing for Becca. BTW, he’s a werewolf. I can assure you its premise is virtually identical to its source movies. Got it? Great, let’s move on.
If anybody’s guilty of committing crimes against comedy, it’s definitely the writing-directing team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. They’re the lamebrains behind such lackluster spoofs as Date Movie, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie. Their crime spree continues with Vampires Suck. I’ll grant that it’s not as awful as their previous failed effort, the execrable Disaster Movie. It stays focused on its intended target whereas Disaster Movie is all over the map. Also, I was very mildly amused by Proske’s dead-on impression of Twilight star Kristen Stewart’s acting style, one that mainly involves her pushing her hair out of her face while “emoting”. That’s it! The rest of Vampires Suck is pure rubbish. Now that I think about it, Friedberg and Seltzer are likewise guilty of crimes against cinema. They should be banned from filmmaking FOR LIFE!
It’s generally understood that Airplane is the zenith of movie send-ups. Team ZAZ had a clear and complete understanding of the genre they were goofing on. They used one movie (1957’s Zero Hour!) as their starting point, added a lot of silly gags and worked in funny takes on scenes and characters from the Airport films. They created something quite brilliant. The duo behind Vampires Suck attempts the same thing to the opposite effect. It’s as painfully unfunny as Airplane is deliriously funny. If it was just unfunny, that would one thing. The guys take it to the next level down by begging us to laugh. It reeks of desperation. They take potshots at Jersey Shore, Lindsay Lohan, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Chris Brown, American Idol, Alice in Wonderland, the Kardashians and others. They’re forced into the narrative with no apparent rhyme or reason. Usually, it’s fun to pick out this and that in spoofs, but it wears off fast in this particular case. It’s isn’t long before the not-funny migraine sets in.
Another big problem with Vampires Suck is the actors. Who the hell are they? Most of them are generic young actors looking for their big break. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I’d say they’re clones created from DNA samples collected on the sets of different teen-oriented TV shows. Whatever the case may be, they’re a bunch of unfunny no-talents who ought to seriously reconsider careers in acting. I recognize only three cast members- Diedrich Bader (The Beverly Hillbillies), Dave Foley (The Kids in the Hall) and Ken Jeong (The Hangover trilogy). BIG FREAKING DEAL! Team ZAZ knew exactly what they were doing in this area too. They got Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack and Lloyd Bridges. Now that’s what I call genius casting.
Spoofs are often a case of hit-or-miss affair; Vampires Suck belongs in the latter category. It misses the mark more often than junior campers at an archery range. I still can’t believe this insult to comedy and cinema actually made money. It’s possible a few people think it’s funny and to them I say this. Watch Love at First Bite IMMEDIATELY! That’s a good vampire comedy. Hey, I just thought of something funny about Vampires Suck. It’s an absolutely toothless comedy, yet it still manages to bite the big one. That’s the only laugh you’ll get from this total time-waster.
Team ZAZ, you’ve got nothing to worry about, NOTHING!
