{"id":8473,"date":"2024-11-18T00:13:10","date_gmt":"2024-11-18T05:13:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/?p=8473"},"modified":"2024-11-18T00:13:10","modified_gmt":"2024-11-18T05:13:10","slug":"the-cat-in-the-hat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/2024\/11\/18\/the-cat-in-the-hat\/","title":{"rendered":"The Cat in the Hat"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"The Cat in the Hat <\/strong>(2003)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Universal\/Comedy-Fantasy\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 RT: 82 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Rated PG (mild crude humor, some double-entendres)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Director: Bo Welch\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Screenplay: Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Music: David Newman\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Release date: November 21, 2003 (US)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cast: Mike Myers, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin, Amy Hill, Sean Hayes, Danielle Ryan Chuchran, Taylor Rice, Brittany Oaks, Talia Prairie, Dan Castellaneta, Victor Brandt.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Box Office: $101.1M (US)\/$133.9M (World)<\/p>\n

Rating<\/strong>: \u00bd *<\/p>\n

\u00a0For sixteen years, The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> went uncontested as Worst Cat Movie EVER. Then late last year, the film adaptation of the Broadway musical Cats stepped forward to challenge it for the title. It was close, but the live-action adaptation of Dr. Seuss\u2019 popular children\u2019s book is still the clump…. I mean, champ…. no, I do mean clump by a knock-out.<\/p>\n

\u00a0I can say with absolute certainty if Dr. Seuss (aka Theodor Geisel) was still alive, he\u2019d be horrified to see what Hollywood did to his book. It would kill him. They took something beautiful and totally f***ed it up. Please excuse my vulgar language but \u201cf***ed up\u201d seems the only right way to describe this ugly, miserable and unpleasant excuse for kid-friendly entertainment. I haven\u2019t been this thoroughly disenchanted by a supposed movie for children since The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> is just like something you\u2019d find in a garbage pail. It\u2019s rotten and it stinks.<\/p>\n

\u00a0I doubt there\u2019s a single person out there who didn\u2019t have The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> read to them as a child. Generations of kids have listened, laughed and loved the story of the cat in the red and white-striped hat. It\u2019s a fun and easy read and it can be read in a single sitting. That\u2019s not a lot of material to work with. In order to turn it into a feature length movie, the three writers had to come up with additional material to pad it out. That\u2019s where it goes horribly, horrifyingly wrong.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> now has character development. Instead of two bored kids with nothing to do on a rainy day, we get two annoying kids with nothing to do on a rainy day. The boy is Conrad (Breslin, The Kid), a 12YO troublemaker who always does the opposite of what he\u2019s told. The girl is younger sister Sally (Fanning, Uptown Girls), a humorless perfectionist who habitually kisses up to any adult in close proximity. The one thing they have in common is the ability to work the nerves of everybody they meet. These are two kids in dire need of a valuable life lesson…. and a spanking.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The mother Joan (Preston, Jack Frost) is a single working mom. She\u2019s works for a shrieking germophobe (Hayes, Will & Grace) who demands she hold an important reception in her home which must be absolutely immaculate or else. Before leaving her little darlings in the incapable hands of a last-minute babysitter (Hill, Magnum P.I.), Joan lays down a few ground rules, the most important one being nobody is allowed in the living room for ANY reason. IS SHE MENTAL? She must be if she thinks they\u2019ll really not mess up the house while she\u2019s away.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The sitter promptly falls asleep leaving her charges with nothing to do but sit and stare out the window. Then they hear a clatter upstairs. They go to investigate and find the Cat hanging around. They\u2019re understandably freaked by the big talking cat in their house, but surprisingly receptive to his offer to teach them how to have fun. Of course, his idea of having fun is making a big mess with the help of his two minions, Thing One and Thing Two.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The writers don\u2019t stop there. Why stop when there\u2019s more damage that can done to a cherished part of many a childhood? They add a stupid subplot about a key to the Cat\u2019s magic crate, a portal to the world he and his Things come from. The family dog absconds with it. The Cat and the kids have to leave the house to get it back so they can lock the crate before the house gets sucked into a gooey abyss or some such nonsense. They also give Mom a love life of sorts. She\u2019s dating the next-door neighbor Lawrence (Baldwin, Thomas and the Magic Railroad), a secretly unemployed bum who\u2019s only after her money. He keeps pushing the idea of shipping Conrad off to military school. How does she not see that this guy is a jerk and a bully? Oh yeah, there\u2019s also a talking goldfish (voiced by Hayes) who serves as the sole voice of reason.<\/p>\n

\u00a0There are many, many, MANY reasons why The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> fails as miserably as it does. I think it\u2019s only proper we start at the top with the title character. Design-wise, the Cat in the Hat is one of the creepiest creations I\u2019ve ever seen in ANY movie. It looks like something out of a nightmare. It makes the cats in Cats look positively feline. It\u2019s freaking freaky looking! The person mainly responsible for this is special effects artist Steve Johnson. He shares the blame with Myers who creates one of the most unlikable characters ever committed to film. His Cat is a total dick. He\u2019s obnoxious, manipulative and perverted. He alternates between talking like the Cowardly Lion and his Linda Richman character from SNL. At times, he tries to channel Jim Carrey\u2019s manic energy in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, but it only makes him look desperate. What they do to the character is creative assault and battery.<\/p>\n

\u00a0What\u2019s really sad is that Myers is a talented comic actor. He created some great characters on SNL. His Austin Powers is the best goof on James Bond and other 60s-era secret agents EVER! He really coughs up a hairball with this \u201cperformance\u201d. The rest of the cast isn\u2019t much better. Preston turns in the least embarrassing performance of the bunch. Her character\u2019s only real fault is being clueless. Baldwin, on the other hand, ought to be ashamed. He plays a man that bullies children. Such a character has no place in the world of innocence conceived by Seuss. When you take into account the infamous 2007 \u201clittle pig\u201d incident with his preteen daughter, his involvement with The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> can be construed as an early cry for help. I did NOT like those kids, not even a little bit. Together they make a strong argument for birth control. I don\u2019t even know what to say about Hayes as the boss but the term \u201cgay stereotype\u201d fits in there somewhere.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Bo Welch, a production designer directing his first and last feature, goes the extra step with The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> by throwing in inappropriate humor involving jokes about erections, butt cracks, hits to the groin, neutering and \u201cdirty hoes\u201d. There\u2019s a bit involving an acronym that spells a certain four-letter word beginning with S. None of it is funny, it\u2019s disgusting. There\u2019s also a scene where the Cat and kids end up at a rave with Paris Hilton dressed in an outfit too revealing for a PG movie. Although it\u2019s doubtful the little ones will get these jokes, there\u2019s always the vindictive older sibling looking to get even with Mom and\/or Dad for dragging them to a kid\u2019s movie against their will. I\u2019m sure they\u2019ll happily explain what the parents won\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u00a0The one and only semi-complimentary thing I can say about The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> is that the production design isn\u2019t awful. It\u2019s not ugly and dingy like The Grinch. It doesn\u2019t look like it was shot through a drab green filter. This one is bathed in a lime shade of green. There are a few, a VERY few, nice touches like the Cat\u2019s car with three steering wheels. It briefly, VERY briefly, reminds the viewer they\u2019re in Dr. Seuss\u2019 world. Then the feeling vanishes. The CGI, especially where the two Things are concerned, is terrible. They\u2019re almost as creepy as the Cat. The climax, which takes place in a surreal amusement park, is less trippy than hellish. It\u2019s okay though; by this point, adult viewers\u2019 eyes will have glazed over. Like me, they\u2019re just waiting for the pain to end.<\/p>\n

\u00a0If The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> is painful for kids in the double-digits, imagine what it\u2019s like for the poor parents forced to sit through it. It\u2019s pure torture and not just because it\u2019s terrible. It\u2019s an insult to the source material, the author and those who love his work. It captures absolutely none of the fun or humor. It even botches Seuss\u2019 trademark prose. Even at 82 minutes, this hairball of a movie is still a slog. Is it any wonder the widow Geisel won\u2019t allow any more live-action adaptations of her husband\u2019s books? I don\u2019t mind saying that The Cat in the Hat<\/strong> is a complete CAT-astrophe more befitting a litter box than a screen.\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Cat in the Hat (2003)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Universal\/Comedy-Fantasy\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 RT: 82 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Rated PG (mild crude humor, some double-entendres)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Director: Bo Welch\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Screenplay: Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Music: David Newman\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Release date: November 21, 2003 (US)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cast: Mike Myers, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin, Amy Hill, Sean Hayes, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":8634,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8473","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-comedies","category-this-sucks-so-bad"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/11\/The-Cat-in-the-Hat-PIC.jpg?fit=620%2C348&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8473","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8473"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8473\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8636,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8473\/revisions\/8636"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8473"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8473"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8473"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}