{"id":9892,"date":"2024-12-10T23:41:07","date_gmt":"2024-12-11T04:41:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/?p=9892"},"modified":"2024-12-10T23:41:07","modified_gmt":"2024-12-11T04:41:07","slug":"vampires-suck","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/2024\/12\/10\/vampires-suck\/","title":{"rendered":"Vampires Suck"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Vampires Suck <\/strong>(2010)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 20th Century Fox\/Comedy\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 RT: 83 minutes (Extended Version)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unrated (crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Screenplay: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Music: Christopher Lennertz\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cinematography: Shawn Maurer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Release date: August 18, 2010 (US)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van dar Pol, David DeLuise, Kelsey Ford, Dave Foley, Jeff Witzke, Crista Flanagan, Nick Eversman, Zane Holtz, Stephanie Fischer, Michael Hanson, Jun Hee Lee, Arielle Kebbel, B.J. Britt, Charlie Weber, Michael Mayhall, Bradley Dodds, Emily Brobst.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Box Office: $36.6M (US)\/$80.5M (World)<\/p>\n

Rating<\/strong>: \u00bd *<\/p>\n

\u00a0Vampires Suck<\/strong> and so does this anemic spoof of the Twilight movies. I\u2019m going to change things up a bit with this review and start with the plot synopsis. That\u2019s because there really isn\u2019t a lot to tell. It\u2019s basically the important plot points of the first two Twilight movies with sight gags, pratfalls, non-sequiturs, double entendres and a ton of pop culture references scattered randomly throughout. That\u2019s it. Oh, one other thing. It\u2019s NOT funny.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Now I know some of you out there have never seen a single one of the megapopular films based on the YA novel series by Stephenie Meyer. That\u2019s okay; I don\u2019t think you\u2019ll have a problem following Vampires Suck<\/strong>. It\u2019s literally a no-brainer. The heroine, a teen girl named Becca Crane (Proske), falls hard for Edward Sullen (Lanter, Disaster Movie), a handsome vampire who glitters in the sunlight. At the same time, local Native American teen boy Jacob White (Riggi, Adult World) has a thing for Becca. BTW, he\u2019s a werewolf. I can assure you its premise is virtually identical to its source movies. Got it? Great, let\u2019s move on.<\/p>\n

\u00a0If anybody\u2019s guilty of committing crimes against comedy, it\u2019s definitely the writing-directing team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. They\u2019re the lamebrains behind such lackluster spoofs as Date Movie, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie. Their crime spree continues with Vampires Suck<\/strong>. I\u2019ll grant that it\u2019s not as awful as their previous failed effort, the execrable Disaster Movie. It stays focused on its intended target whereas Disaster Movie is all over the map. Also, I was very mildly amused by Proske\u2019s dead-on impression of Twilight star Kristen Stewart\u2019s acting style, one that mainly involves her pushing her hair out of her face while \u201cemoting\u201d. That\u2019s it! The rest of Vampires Suck<\/strong> is pure rubbish. Now that I think about it, Friedberg and Seltzer are likewise guilty of crimes against cinema. They should be banned from filmmaking FOR LIFE!<\/p>\n

\u00a0It\u2019s generally understood that Airplane is the zenith of movie send-ups. Team ZAZ had a clear and complete understanding of the genre they were goofing on. They used one movie (1957\u2019s Zero Hour!) as their starting point, added a lot of silly gags and worked in funny takes on scenes and characters from the Airport films. They created something quite brilliant. The duo behind Vampires Suck<\/strong> attempts the same thing to the opposite effect. It\u2019s as painfully unfunny as Airplane is deliriously funny. If it was just unfunny, that would one thing. The guys take it to the next level down by begging us to laugh. It reeks of desperation. They take potshots at Jersey Shore, Lindsay Lohan, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Chris Brown, American Idol, Alice in Wonderland, the Kardashians and others. They\u2019re forced into the narrative with no apparent rhyme or reason. Usually, it\u2019s fun to pick out this and that in spoofs, but it wears off fast in this particular case. It\u2019s isn\u2019t long before the not-funny migraine sets in.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Another big problem with Vampires Suck<\/strong> is the actors. Who the hell are they? Most of them are generic young actors looking for their big break. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I\u2019d say they\u2019re clones created from DNA samples collected on the sets of different teen-oriented TV shows. Whatever the case may be, they\u2019re a bunch of unfunny no-talents who ought to seriously reconsider careers in acting. I recognize only three cast members- Diedrich Bader (The Beverly Hillbillies), Dave Foley (The Kids in the Hall) and Ken Jeong (The Hangover trilogy). BIG FREAKING DEAL! Team ZAZ knew exactly what they were doing in this area too. They got Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack and Lloyd Bridges. Now that\u2019s what I call genius casting.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Spoofs are often a case of hit-or-miss affair; Vampires Suck<\/strong> belongs in the latter category. It misses the mark more often than junior campers at an archery range. I still can\u2019t believe this insult to comedy and cinema actually made money. It\u2019s possible a few people think it\u2019s funny and to them I say this. Watch Love at First Bite IMMEDIATELY! That\u2019s a good vampire comedy. Hey, I just thought of something funny about Vampires Suck<\/strong>. It\u2019s an absolutely toothless comedy, yet it still manages to bite the big one. That\u2019s the only laugh you\u2019ll get from this total time-waster.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Team ZAZ, you\u2019ve got nothing to worry about, NOTHING!\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Vampires Suck (2010)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 20th Century Fox\/Comedy\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 RT: 83 minutes (Extended Version)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unrated (crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Screenplay: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Music: Christopher Lennertz\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cinematography: Shawn Maurer\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Release date: August 18, 2010 (US)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Ken […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10215,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9892","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-comedies","category-this-sucks-so-bad"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/Vampires-Suck-PIC.jpg?fit=620%2C348&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9892","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9892"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9892\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10217,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9892\/revisions\/10217"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10215"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9892"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9892"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movieguy247.com\/MovieGuy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9892"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}